Cooling

What makes my learned patterns/habits so strong that they can completely annihilate my truest heart's desires in a nanosecond? How is it that I work so hard most days to tame the pacing beast only to have it bite off my hands the next? How can I look at my children one minute and see their complete and utter gorgeous humanity and the next minute throw myself into a tantrum of greatest proportions flinging stories in my head about how I need this or that, which boils down to control, and not seeing them before me at all? I never realized having children would challenge all my preconceived notions. Oh, I gave lip service to how I was sure it would be challenging, but surely I never imagined that I could seethe with such fury at two beings whom I love more than my own life. I always come back to this. I think about it a lot. That closeness that perceiving them as part of me and me as a part of them is in fact what enables us to sometimes not see the forest for the trees...or, hell, not even see the trees at all. But then the fire up my spine cools and once more before me they are standing, Ursula and Freya and we hug and say "Friends" again and they receive me without reservation and I do the same for them, and I give their backs "nicies" little light finger rubs that send shivers along your skin and they snuggle in close to me one on each side with my arms wrapped underneath them just like they have done since day one and I know that we are all meant for each other. Fully, deliciously meant for each other. They fling themselves at their crazy mom as she sometimes flings herself at the world and we all land in one big messy heap, but we still know how to laugh fully in our bellies and we still know how to reach for each other when the world encroaches too much. And I thank The Beloved for every single day we celebrate and every single breath we share. Loving and yelling and hooting and hollering, crying and dancing, dressing up twirling our skirts, hanging like monkeys, crawling around on hands and knees...praying...Being...Together.

Dreams

I'm back. I know, a long absence as always. But really, this time I mean it. I'm going to blog on this thing at least once a week. Have I said this before? Do I believe me? Anyway, I'm going to try to do short posts that take no time. So here it goes.



I love my family. No really, I lovvvvvvve! my family. The girlcubs are funnier and feistier than ever. This weekend we had such a great time. Saturday, especially. I woke up grumpy...Well, surprise surprise. And so around 11am My Honey suggested we bike to lunch. So loaded up the cubs in the new fancy Burley bike trailer and headed out. We were going to go to Kerby Lane but changed our minds and went to Blue Star Cafe instead. Chris and I drank grapefruit mimosas, I highly recommend, and the girls actually ate food. Oh and then cupcakes, strawberry with pink frosting. They've been a little picky lately. Then we decided to bake bread together, recipe from "The Tassajara Bread Book", and so we biked even further to Wheatsville Food Coop. We were biking fools. I love being a bike commuter family. Seriously. It is so grand to travel all around your town and not use one drop of gasoline. So satisfying. So empowering.

Once home we all got our hands dirty mixing some dough. I love the feel of dough. Forget using spoons I'm all about being elbow deep. My Honey is so patient with me. I really want to learn to cook and bake better, he typically does that in our house. I know lucky lady, me. We gave the cubs their own little balls of dough to use at will. And when it was all over we had some mighty tasty wheat bread to enjoy. And smashed dough on the rug. Sigh. This is living.



Some funny/cute doings/talkings of the cubs lately.
Last night, Ursula and Freya both woke up crying at different times about their dreams. Freya, crying: Daddy threw away my sister's grub (they've been digging in the garden and finding grubs lately) He threw it away. We had two grubs and now we have only one grub. He threw it in the trashcan. " More crying, truly broken hearted. No grubs were harmed, I promise.
Ursula, crying: "you didn't brush my teeth. You didn't brush my teeth." Me: "Honey, yes, we did. We brushed your teeth before bed." Ursa, still crying: "No, we didn't brush my teeth." Me: do you want me to brush them now?" I go get the toothbrush and do a quick brush. Ursa falls immediately back to sleep. Hey, am I raising some responsible girls or what?

They've been having the funniest conversations lately, but right now I don't remember one of them. Oh well, this post is long enough already. Tomorrow My Honey heads back to Costa Rica for work. He will be missed. Though, he'll only be gone three and a half days. That is usually enough time for me to think, "wow, this is so nice not having another person to pick up after. Maybe I should just have my own house and Chris and the girls can come and visit it from time to time"...And then slightly long enough for me to then go, "Hey, wait. I miss My Honey. I miss our conversations and sharing little details of our days. I miss his kisses. I want him back." Yes, that is normally how it goes.

Ok, night night. I must go wrap my loving arms around my man. Oh, yeah. I guess that post wasn't so short. Damn.