Each Day

Thankful For:
My Honey who is still my best bud.
The two wild gypsies left in my womb by the fairies
Friends who linger in my heart
Family who just are
Organic heirloom turkeys
Traditional holiday meals cooked together
Enough wine to drink throughout the day
Snuggling on couches
Bear cub nose-rub kisses
Nicies
Telling stories
Shrieks of joy
Climbing hills and boulders
Peacocks and their feathers
Colorful Autumns
Reading Peter Pan with the cubs
Pirate imagery
My reintroduction to Grimm's Fairytales
Backyard camp fires
S'mores
Dancing with abandon
Down comforters
Clean puppy dogs
Digging in gardens
Yoga
Stylin' boots
Fair Trade Organic Coffee
Organic Farms
Wool
Handmade
The smell of books
Salty olives and crusty bread
...oh so much more...I could be here lifetimes writing it all down, but to bed I must retire. Each day is an opportunity to live in Grace with Gratitude. May I always remember that.

H O P E

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.

~ president-elect barack obama

My greatest hope is that this man understands how much we are all pulling for him to live up to his speech. May he live as a moral caring person, disregard political games and truly see the People. May he fully understand how he can go down in history not only as the first black president, but also as a Great Unifier, a president for the people, a leader who can change the course of a nation and truly serve as an icon for peace, love, and community. Of course, I know that our success does not hinge on just one man, that is too much power put on one person. I believe that we all must take responsibility for the growth and realignment of our country. We all must come together and truly "be the change we wish to see in the world." However, I know that having a strong unifying captain at the helm can be a magnificent catalyst. I believe in him. I believe in us. And yes, finally for the first time in all my life, I believe in my country. Not in some strange "patriotic" way, but as people living in the same land, cherishing that land and cherishing each other. May peace prevail, may my children truly know a society that sees LOVE as the highest force and the truest expression of the Power and Might of a nation. "Yes, We Can."

The Thinning of the Veils.

A simple note to sit and breathe with the season. Turn in, Turn in, Tune in. Even though our days have returned to highs of 85 degrees, I am still feeling the fall vibe all around me. The cubs are loving fires in the garden and the roasting of marshmallows. They shared that experience with Grammy tonight. The sweetness and coziness of this part of the wheel makes me ache. I am entranced by the magic floating through my days...The thickness and ripeness of it all. The connection to those who have come before. The connection to our own center, to the Beloved. The veil thins and we once more realign to our own Divine. The robust Autumnal "YES". Now, if only I could wear my sweaters, jackets and boots...
Happy Halloween, Sumptious Samhain, Delectable Dia de los Muertos.

Pumpkins and Purna

It is past midnight. I should be sleeping, but I am trying to post more often. My dear friend, Amanda, reminds me. We are two days til Halloween. My favorite holiday. Texas is finally experiencing some coolish weather and with that coolness my fire, about which I've blogged, has cooled. This fire cooling is a good thing. It means I feel exhilarated with all the possibilities that the transition to fall holds. I see orange pumpkins all around. I adore the effect of pumpkins all around. They make everything appear more jolly, all round and fat or tall and skinny and now all the new/old varieties around bumpy and green, white and smooth, warty blue... My house is my solace once again, all cozy with family. We finally hung photos/prints on the walls and wow, what a difference that makes. Hey, someone with a life lives here. I've decided blank walls are no good for a family home. The blank walls are like static on a radio station. You don't always notice it at first, but when you do you realize it has been grating on your nerves all this time. We also have little glowing lights, candles, fires in the backyard with s'mores. Our Harvest Potluck was a smashing success. A nice even stream of people with their kids throughout the night. A large group gathered around the fire making the s'mores. Dearest Amanda so graciously playing S'more Wench/Maven. Chris and Hutch made gumbo again and strung the backyard with lights and glowing stars, perfect at dark for the kiddies to play under. So magical. The whole house looked magical and romantic, all reds and organges and flowers. Sigh. Oh, I am still blissed out about it all. And the next day was so yummy just hangin' with the family. The cubs were up late so they were really tired and we all just cuddled on the couch all day talking or watching movies...Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Nightmare Before Christmas.

The cubs and I are having so much fun running around, decorating for the holidays, taking hayrides, painting pumpkins, watching goats climb trees, eating pumpkin icecream. I'm busy putting together their costumes for Friday. Freya: ladybug. Ursula: butterfly or fairy the costume will work for both. I put them together as best I can from stuff we already have and then fill in the rest with items I make or pick up second-hand. I loath Target-esque costumes and just can't bring myself to go that route. It is so much more joyful to Frankenstein it all together, pun intended.

Things I'm lovin right now other than pumpkins and cooler weather: The dancing of the girls. Today Ursa piled on a bunch of costume clothes and looked like a gypsy fairy waving her arms with grace and fluidity. Freya had on a costume outfit making her look like a little Dutch girl. Hearing them sing little made up songs when they think no one is listening. Me talking to Freya sternly the other day (I don't love that, but do love Freya's response) She said in her most placating voice, "You don't have to yell. You don't have to yell. It's gonna be all right, Darling." And then she bent over kissed me and hugged my neck. The way they both just crack each other up by saying the word "Poopy" How the name "Bad Poopoo" is the worse thing they can say to each other and causes big tears. When they call me "Bad Poopoo" which makes me crack up and then they crack up...all tension gone. The way Freya says "Nicelies" instead of "Nicies" when I rub her back. How they love for us to tell made up stories (though, sometimes this gets old for me, especially when I'm driving) How they love to interject their own parts of the story now, whereas before they just let me tell them the story. The way Freya's little tongue sticks out when she says certain words/sounds giving her just the slightest lisp at times. The way Ursa always talks with her head cocked and one hand on her hip. Oh there is so much more, but i must to bed get.

In Sanskrit there is the word Purna or Fullness. That is the best word for this season, for this family, for this life. Yummy Yummy Scrumptious Family. Round and Sweet like a Pumpkin Treat.

My Little Gurus

I just returned from a screening of "Orgasmic Birth" and I want to write a few comments before I forget. First of all, the film was mostly lovely but definitely should not be called "Orgasmic Birth". What I really want to keep sight of, however, is the need for more images of ecstatic beautiful hospital births and even more importantly Cesarean Births. I realize our country has gone cuckoo with interventions and our work still needs to be to shift that energy. But I also think we cannot fight fear with fear. The medical establishment throws fear at expectant parents about the dangers of home births and then we throw more fear at parents about medical interventions. All of a sudden ALL Cesarean Births become bad, and when shown on film, something that everyone gasps at and seems horrified by. Well, you know what? Babies can be born in beautiful Cesarean births. Maybe it isn't the norm, but we need to show people that possibility too.

One pregnant mama in the audience said that she thought she would have a hospital birth because she was scared of a home birth. After seeing the show, she said now she is scared of a hospital birth too. In her words, "Now I don't know where to birth." There are some moms who just don't feel safe birthing at home, they feel safe and protected in the hospital so we need to acknowledge that too and show that they can still have that ecstatic birth there. How can we make all births sacred? That is still my prenatal teacher credo. I think parents need to be informed of the dangers of medical interventions and I think they need to see the possibility of beautiful home births. I believe in birthing at home. But I don't believe in fear-mongering. Fear is NOT the answer. Trust in our bodies and our babies is the answer. We have to trust and know ourselves deeply so that we know when an intervention is necessary and when it isn't. So that we can fully embrace whatever birth we get. That way if a baby needs to be born via Cesarean we can accept that perhaps that is the babies own path and journey. This has reinvigorated me to bring that message to my mamas in my class. To empower them to seek the higher thought. Release the Fear. Embrace and Trust your baby.

And that being said, the other issue I really walked away with tonight was the need for the loving and respectful handling of babies at birth. Babies need to be supported. Not flopped around like this week's fish. This gentle treatment of babies as they come earthside can be done in Cesarean births too. The babies can be gently pulled out, place directly on mamas chest and left there the whole time. That is my biggest regret from the girls birth. If there is anything about their birth that can still bring me to tears it is that. I accept my birth now, but I felt like they were pulled out, hauled off in a corner and then taken away from me before I could get my wits about me. Then they were taken to a cold bright nursery where they were rubbed vigorously and poked by strange hands, wailing their little lungs out. I have the photos. It is horrible but I keep them because I don't want them to have suffered in vain. If there is one thing I could do, if even for one baby, is to get the message across that it doesn't have to be that way. I waited two hours before I even got to see them again and then when we tried to nurse there were attendants and midwife hands roughly pushing the babies on to my breasts trying to get them to latch. Damn, no wonder the poor darlings had a hard time nursing at first. I wouldn't want to eat either if someone was shoving my face into my mashed potatoes. And the thing of it is, I knew better. I studied birthing, I was knowledgeable in the process, I knew more than most mamas going into it and I was still co-opted. Just think of how most parents don't stand a chance against that treatment. The unknown can be so scary to us that we give over our power. It is time to regain it. Once again to trust ourselves, to trust our voices and to know what we want so that we can make it happen.

I feel that perhaps I should get trained in doing birth education so that I can bring my own personal perspective into it. I think I have a somewhat unique one. When there is a gathering like tonight I am always the person talking about the need for sacred Cesarean Births. So many people just want to gloss over it as a horrible procedure..or with the medical establishment, a life-saving procedure...but no one ever talks about how it can be beautiful too.

I also want to focus on support for the mother after the birth. And support for the family unit during the first year. We need our village back. How do we make that happen? Anyway, thoughts for me. I know I can be of use. I heard myself speak tonight to a room full of strangers and I know I have something to say that is worth hearing. That was a nice thing to learn. Another reason I'm grateful for the birth of my girls. Wahe Guru!

Cooling

What makes my learned patterns/habits so strong that they can completely annihilate my truest heart's desires in a nanosecond? How is it that I work so hard most days to tame the pacing beast only to have it bite off my hands the next? How can I look at my children one minute and see their complete and utter gorgeous humanity and the next minute throw myself into a tantrum of greatest proportions flinging stories in my head about how I need this or that, which boils down to control, and not seeing them before me at all? I never realized having children would challenge all my preconceived notions. Oh, I gave lip service to how I was sure it would be challenging, but surely I never imagined that I could seethe with such fury at two beings whom I love more than my own life. I always come back to this. I think about it a lot. That closeness that perceiving them as part of me and me as a part of them is in fact what enables us to sometimes not see the forest for the trees...or, hell, not even see the trees at all. But then the fire up my spine cools and once more before me they are standing, Ursula and Freya and we hug and say "Friends" again and they receive me without reservation and I do the same for them, and I give their backs "nicies" little light finger rubs that send shivers along your skin and they snuggle in close to me one on each side with my arms wrapped underneath them just like they have done since day one and I know that we are all meant for each other. Fully, deliciously meant for each other. They fling themselves at their crazy mom as she sometimes flings herself at the world and we all land in one big messy heap, but we still know how to laugh fully in our bellies and we still know how to reach for each other when the world encroaches too much. And I thank The Beloved for every single day we celebrate and every single breath we share. Loving and yelling and hooting and hollering, crying and dancing, dressing up twirling our skirts, hanging like monkeys, crawling around on hands and knees...praying...Being...Together.

Dreams

I'm back. I know, a long absence as always. But really, this time I mean it. I'm going to blog on this thing at least once a week. Have I said this before? Do I believe me? Anyway, I'm going to try to do short posts that take no time. So here it goes.



I love my family. No really, I lovvvvvvve! my family. The girlcubs are funnier and feistier than ever. This weekend we had such a great time. Saturday, especially. I woke up grumpy...Well, surprise surprise. And so around 11am My Honey suggested we bike to lunch. So loaded up the cubs in the new fancy Burley bike trailer and headed out. We were going to go to Kerby Lane but changed our minds and went to Blue Star Cafe instead. Chris and I drank grapefruit mimosas, I highly recommend, and the girls actually ate food. Oh and then cupcakes, strawberry with pink frosting. They've been a little picky lately. Then we decided to bake bread together, recipe from "The Tassajara Bread Book", and so we biked even further to Wheatsville Food Coop. We were biking fools. I love being a bike commuter family. Seriously. It is so grand to travel all around your town and not use one drop of gasoline. So satisfying. So empowering.

Once home we all got our hands dirty mixing some dough. I love the feel of dough. Forget using spoons I'm all about being elbow deep. My Honey is so patient with me. I really want to learn to cook and bake better, he typically does that in our house. I know lucky lady, me. We gave the cubs their own little balls of dough to use at will. And when it was all over we had some mighty tasty wheat bread to enjoy. And smashed dough on the rug. Sigh. This is living.



Some funny/cute doings/talkings of the cubs lately.
Last night, Ursula and Freya both woke up crying at different times about their dreams. Freya, crying: Daddy threw away my sister's grub (they've been digging in the garden and finding grubs lately) He threw it away. We had two grubs and now we have only one grub. He threw it in the trashcan. " More crying, truly broken hearted. No grubs were harmed, I promise.
Ursula, crying: "you didn't brush my teeth. You didn't brush my teeth." Me: "Honey, yes, we did. We brushed your teeth before bed." Ursa, still crying: "No, we didn't brush my teeth." Me: do you want me to brush them now?" I go get the toothbrush and do a quick brush. Ursa falls immediately back to sleep. Hey, am I raising some responsible girls or what?

They've been having the funniest conversations lately, but right now I don't remember one of them. Oh well, this post is long enough already. Tomorrow My Honey heads back to Costa Rica for work. He will be missed. Though, he'll only be gone three and a half days. That is usually enough time for me to think, "wow, this is so nice not having another person to pick up after. Maybe I should just have my own house and Chris and the girls can come and visit it from time to time"...And then slightly long enough for me to then go, "Hey, wait. I miss My Honey. I miss our conversations and sharing little details of our days. I miss his kisses. I want him back." Yes, that is normally how it goes.

Ok, night night. I must go wrap my loving arms around my man. Oh, yeah. I guess that post wasn't so short. Damn.

Bittersweet

Big Day

Today I made a big step for me. I dropped the cubs off at a part-time preschool program on the East side of town. I say it was a big step because it is what I've been needing and dreading at the same time. I've never really asked for help with the girls and part of me feels like I failed somehow because I can't do this 24/7. Part of me rejoices at finally getting a little time for me back. I plan on letting them both go four days a week for a couple of weeks and then I will start taking one with me on Mondays and one with me on Tuesdays so that I can have some one on one Mama time with each of them. They were excited. As soon as we arrived at the Pan Am Center they jumped out of the car and grabbed their bags. They have been talking a lot about the teacher's four-year-old daughter, Matilda, whom they met when we went to check the center out. I dropped them off in the classroom and as I was leaving they just bopped over to me, planted a kiss on my lips and said "Ok, bye Mom!" No big deal. Just like that. Though, it doesn't surprise me, they have always been so comfortable with new situations and surroundings. I feel blessed to have such flexible children. I like to think I had a little something to do with that. I think this will be a good change for us. They need some time away from Mama. Mama needs some time and they both need some time away from each other. I trust it will make us all a little more sane. They fill my heart to overflowing. I love them so desperately and yet can rage so hard with anger because of them. No one has ever effected me this way. I saw a quote the other day that I loved. It said "Making the decision to have a child--It is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." I couldn't agree more. Bittersweet, indeed.

A Little Coffee with your Kindness?

I'm having thoughts this evening about how to raise kind children. How to be kind myself, how to spread kindness in the world. I had an incident a week ago that really made me think about this. The cubs and I went to Pacha for breakfast. I have been going to Pacha semi-regularly for around four years. I bought food and coffee and sat down to eat with the girls. While there U and F started getting really excited and running around my table and doing that happy screechy little girl sound. Now, I realize it is a small coffee house and that people are trying to study or talk or....So I asked the girls to stop and when they didn't I got down on one knee and put my arms around each of them to talk to them and ask explain to them why loud noises were best reserved for outside the coffee shop. As I was trying to talk to the girls the owner of the shop started saying loudly to me from behind the counter "You can't scream in here like that, they can't scream in here, they can't scream in here." She kept saying it over and over as if I was an idiot or lackey mother letting my children run around wild. Taking absolutely no notice that I was down on my knees trying to talk to my girls about the situation she came out from around the counter still chanting her refrain "You can't scream in here like that" Yeah, really lady..."Hey you notice me down trying to talk to my children." She loomed over us with her arms folded looking at me as if scolding me. I was so angry and dumbfounded all I could do was look at her like she was crazy. Seriously there are several ways she could have handled that situation and she chose the most ridiculous and unkind one. She could have noticed that the mother was trying to deal with it and instead of scolding us, come over and talked to us like we are human beings. Instead of looming over the girls, she could have gotten down to their level. She could have conveyed the same message with a soft unaccusing tone. Then she would have maintained me as a customer. I'm not a customer who goes in and nurses one coffee for two hours. I buy food and am usually out immediately. I'm just so tired of how anti-children our society really is. Even other parents do it. Looking at other people's children who may be making a little noise as if they are hooligans. The same people who would never bat an eye at a table of loud laughing adults, send dirty looks to a table of joyfully giggling children. What have adults forgotten that they were children once? Is it that difficult to stop and assess a situation and your reaction to it? I am making it my commitment to cultivating the ability to see things from anothers perspective in myself and my children. I will start by giving the owner of Pacha the benefit of the doubt...perhaps she had a bad day, her dog died, her boyfriend left her and she closed her finger in the door...I know we all react poorly sometimes. But I will definitely keep this event as a reminder in my heart that a little kindness can go a long long way. And kindness costs less than a latte.