Bittersweet

Big Day

Today I made a big step for me. I dropped the cubs off at a part-time preschool program on the East side of town. I say it was a big step because it is what I've been needing and dreading at the same time. I've never really asked for help with the girls and part of me feels like I failed somehow because I can't do this 24/7. Part of me rejoices at finally getting a little time for me back. I plan on letting them both go four days a week for a couple of weeks and then I will start taking one with me on Mondays and one with me on Tuesdays so that I can have some one on one Mama time with each of them. They were excited. As soon as we arrived at the Pan Am Center they jumped out of the car and grabbed their bags. They have been talking a lot about the teacher's four-year-old daughter, Matilda, whom they met when we went to check the center out. I dropped them off in the classroom and as I was leaving they just bopped over to me, planted a kiss on my lips and said "Ok, bye Mom!" No big deal. Just like that. Though, it doesn't surprise me, they have always been so comfortable with new situations and surroundings. I feel blessed to have such flexible children. I like to think I had a little something to do with that. I think this will be a good change for us. They need some time away from Mama. Mama needs some time and they both need some time away from each other. I trust it will make us all a little more sane. They fill my heart to overflowing. I love them so desperately and yet can rage so hard with anger because of them. No one has ever effected me this way. I saw a quote the other day that I loved. It said "Making the decision to have a child--It is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." I couldn't agree more. Bittersweet, indeed.