Cooling

What makes my learned patterns/habits so strong that they can completely annihilate my truest heart's desires in a nanosecond? How is it that I work so hard most days to tame the pacing beast only to have it bite off my hands the next? How can I look at my children one minute and see their complete and utter gorgeous humanity and the next minute throw myself into a tantrum of greatest proportions flinging stories in my head about how I need this or that, which boils down to control, and not seeing them before me at all? I never realized having children would challenge all my preconceived notions. Oh, I gave lip service to how I was sure it would be challenging, but surely I never imagined that I could seethe with such fury at two beings whom I love more than my own life. I always come back to this. I think about it a lot. That closeness that perceiving them as part of me and me as a part of them is in fact what enables us to sometimes not see the forest for the trees...or, hell, not even see the trees at all. But then the fire up my spine cools and once more before me they are standing, Ursula and Freya and we hug and say "Friends" again and they receive me without reservation and I do the same for them, and I give their backs "nicies" little light finger rubs that send shivers along your skin and they snuggle in close to me one on each side with my arms wrapped underneath them just like they have done since day one and I know that we are all meant for each other. Fully, deliciously meant for each other. They fling themselves at their crazy mom as she sometimes flings herself at the world and we all land in one big messy heap, but we still know how to laugh fully in our bellies and we still know how to reach for each other when the world encroaches too much. And I thank The Beloved for every single day we celebrate and every single breath we share. Loving and yelling and hooting and hollering, crying and dancing, dressing up twirling our skirts, hanging like monkeys, crawling around on hands and knees...praying...Being...Together.