The First Rule is to PLAY. All endeavors must be undertaken with this curiosity/wonderment...PLAY! There is no "how much" or "how often" just this, manifesting joy...keeping it easy. PLAY PLAY PLAY!
So I made list of Life Priorities and might as well write them here. These are my essentials. Anything outside these is just gravy. I made the list to help me keep perspective. It is so easy to be like a magpie and get distracted by all the little shiny things. I wanted a definitive list to have and hold. One I could look at whenever I get obsessed with some new thing/person/idea and use as a barometer. Does it fit into one of these categories? Will it enhance a priority on the list?
My Life Priorites:
Time spent with family
Good healthy food
Joyful work for myself and Chris
Creative experiences for us all
Active experiences for us all
Communal sharing/giving
Spiritual connection (finding beauty all around)
I will do all in my power to create opportunities/time/space for these seven priorities. These are truly what makes a life a life for me. Not the hippest clothes (though I like clothes) Not reading tons of blogs (though I like those too) Not packing in activity after activity at the expense of our sanity. Just these seven done completely and PLAYfully.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Cracks and All
"Ring the bell that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack
A crack in everything
That's how the light gets in"
This life this perfect imperfection. All these cracks. I feel I have so many and yet I'm finally at a place in my life where I can love them, see them as part of me, as necessary. I am an imperfect mother...I am an amazing mother. My relationship with the girls is so deep, so loving, so true. We yell...sometimes. We cry...sometimes. We laugh...often. We love...always. I pull them into my arms a hundred times a day and relish their scent, the feel of their skin. JOY! I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of joy as of late, that feeling of being in the flow of the Divine completely cradled in the arms of the (god)dess.
Speaking of the feel of skin, massage school has been so enlightening in many ways. I never would have imagined that I would like touching strangers so much. I'm very touchy lovey with my family and friends, but strangers?....I love the feel of skin. I love bone and sinew under my fingers, moving with the breath, knowing that I am bringing healing, circulation and cleansing to the body. It is a true gift to serve others with the power of touch...
Friday at yoga was powerful. After all the planning for Halloween, my body needed the stretching the deep breathing, the moving within its own rhythmic field. Keith's Hatha flow class speaks to me so much right now. The first class I ever took with him, he played a song called "All is Well" a gospel song...Then in another class he based it around my favorite quote by Leonard Cohen (above). Then on Friday I had such a wild experience. We did a lovely and sweaty flow, not too fast not too slow. As we completed our final stretching Keith put on 10,000 Maniacs' "These are Days" one of my all-time happy songs. As the song played I just started sobbing, tears rolling down my cheeks. I felt so happy and embraced. Then heat moved up my torso into my head and I felt strange, but content. Then for the cherry on the icecream during Savasana he played "Don't Give Up" by Peter Gabriel. Funny I never would have thought I would like incorporating pop music into yoga classes, but it really speaks to me in small doses. I have always loved music. I remember at the age of four sitting for hours by the radio or record player singing along. When I hear those songs, I know that the Divine moves through those artists. I was reminded. Thanks, Keith.
A quick note about Halloween: After an eight-hour sewing marathon by Amanda and me. And a couple more hours spent making crowns, It was a blast. We went over to JJ and Rose's house, Sonja and co. met us there and we all ate Chris's homemade chicken noodle soup. Then the kids got their costumes on (the girls looked fab) and we T&T'd in their hood. Once done there we all loaded up and went to Hyde Park where is was like Christmas on Halloween. Three streets had several big houses completely decked out in holiday attire. There were people everywhere. The girls were amazing troopers, excitedly moving from one house to another. They even kept their wigs on, though Ursa did get angry because people were stepping on her mermaid tail. It was a magical night...I can't even imagine what it looked like from their perspecitve...overwhelming...captivating...thrilling. Ursa jetted off ahead with Olive while Freya stuck closer to us. They loved telling everyone that they were sisters and mermaids. At the end of the night they were worn out and so my man carried both girls three and a half blocks back to the car...Go Daddy Go!
That being said, I am still struggling with the idea of putting the girls in school, even though they seem to like it now, even though I love my massage studies and want to work part-time, there is still that bit of guilt that I am not with them always. There is that nagging voice, that says I need to decide whether they are going to school next year and if so, where. I haven't found the perfect solution, but once again...I shall embrace the imperfect. I will trust that a solution will come. A way for all needs to be met. My 4.5 year olds are smart and savvy ladies...I know they will be well. I know that as I mama the most important thing I can give them is love, lots and lots of love. The rest will sort itself out.
4.5 is really proving to be all that I expected. It is the age my twin boys were when I became a nanny to them in college. I knew it would be lovely...and it is. Oh we still go through days or even a string of days where the girls fight intensely, but there really has been another shift. They are so expressive. They floor me with their creative ideas, like turning my massage table box into a fairy house (we spent an enitre morning painting and pasting for that one) They are more interested in letters now and trying/pretending to read. Freya goes around singing her little made up songs (note to self, record one) She has also become quite the story teller. She spent twenty minutes in her dark room with sister and Aunt Amanda the other night, telling them a long tale by the light of one single candle. Ursula is begging for a dance class. They took a free one at Ballet Austin and now she is obsessed. I promised her one after the holidays. The other day she said "Mama, if I take my dance class, can I keep my school too? "Yes, Darling" I said. "Mama, can I take dance, keep my school and still see Hannah?" "Of course" I said "You can have it all. My Love. YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL." And...I meant it.
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack
A crack in everything
That's how the light gets in"
This life this perfect imperfection. All these cracks. I feel I have so many and yet I'm finally at a place in my life where I can love them, see them as part of me, as necessary. I am an imperfect mother...I am an amazing mother. My relationship with the girls is so deep, so loving, so true. We yell...sometimes. We cry...sometimes. We laugh...often. We love...always. I pull them into my arms a hundred times a day and relish their scent, the feel of their skin. JOY! I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of joy as of late, that feeling of being in the flow of the Divine completely cradled in the arms of the (god)dess.
Speaking of the feel of skin, massage school has been so enlightening in many ways. I never would have imagined that I would like touching strangers so much. I'm very touchy lovey with my family and friends, but strangers?....I love the feel of skin. I love bone and sinew under my fingers, moving with the breath, knowing that I am bringing healing, circulation and cleansing to the body. It is a true gift to serve others with the power of touch...
Friday at yoga was powerful. After all the planning for Halloween, my body needed the stretching the deep breathing, the moving within its own rhythmic field. Keith's Hatha flow class speaks to me so much right now. The first class I ever took with him, he played a song called "All is Well" a gospel song...Then in another class he based it around my favorite quote by Leonard Cohen (above). Then on Friday I had such a wild experience. We did a lovely and sweaty flow, not too fast not too slow. As we completed our final stretching Keith put on 10,000 Maniacs' "These are Days" one of my all-time happy songs. As the song played I just started sobbing, tears rolling down my cheeks. I felt so happy and embraced. Then heat moved up my torso into my head and I felt strange, but content. Then for the cherry on the icecream during Savasana he played "Don't Give Up" by Peter Gabriel. Funny I never would have thought I would like incorporating pop music into yoga classes, but it really speaks to me in small doses. I have always loved music. I remember at the age of four sitting for hours by the radio or record player singing along. When I hear those songs, I know that the Divine moves through those artists. I was reminded. Thanks, Keith.
A quick note about Halloween: After an eight-hour sewing marathon by Amanda and me. And a couple more hours spent making crowns, It was a blast. We went over to JJ and Rose's house, Sonja and co. met us there and we all ate Chris's homemade chicken noodle soup. Then the kids got their costumes on (the girls looked fab) and we T&T'd in their hood. Once done there we all loaded up and went to Hyde Park where is was like Christmas on Halloween. Three streets had several big houses completely decked out in holiday attire. There were people everywhere. The girls were amazing troopers, excitedly moving from one house to another. They even kept their wigs on, though Ursa did get angry because people were stepping on her mermaid tail. It was a magical night...I can't even imagine what it looked like from their perspecitve...overwhelming...captivating...thrilling. Ursa jetted off ahead with Olive while Freya stuck closer to us. They loved telling everyone that they were sisters and mermaids. At the end of the night they were worn out and so my man carried both girls three and a half blocks back to the car...Go Daddy Go!
That being said, I am still struggling with the idea of putting the girls in school, even though they seem to like it now, even though I love my massage studies and want to work part-time, there is still that bit of guilt that I am not with them always. There is that nagging voice, that says I need to decide whether they are going to school next year and if so, where. I haven't found the perfect solution, but once again...I shall embrace the imperfect. I will trust that a solution will come. A way for all needs to be met. My 4.5 year olds are smart and savvy ladies...I know they will be well. I know that as I mama the most important thing I can give them is love, lots and lots of love. The rest will sort itself out.
4.5 is really proving to be all that I expected. It is the age my twin boys were when I became a nanny to them in college. I knew it would be lovely...and it is. Oh we still go through days or even a string of days where the girls fight intensely, but there really has been another shift. They are so expressive. They floor me with their creative ideas, like turning my massage table box into a fairy house (we spent an enitre morning painting and pasting for that one) They are more interested in letters now and trying/pretending to read. Freya goes around singing her little made up songs (note to self, record one) She has also become quite the story teller. She spent twenty minutes in her dark room with sister and Aunt Amanda the other night, telling them a long tale by the light of one single candle. Ursula is begging for a dance class. They took a free one at Ballet Austin and now she is obsessed. I promised her one after the holidays. The other day she said "Mama, if I take my dance class, can I keep my school too? "Yes, Darling" I said. "Mama, can I take dance, keep my school and still see Hannah?" "Of course" I said "You can have it all. My Love. YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL." And...I meant it.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Shifting
These days, these burning days have left us weepy and cranky and snarling...but today even though it was still 100 degrees outside, I felt a sense of fall. Could it be? Fall...? Maybe it is because my AC finally works after spending $4000. Maybe it is because the evening is noticably closing in sooner...maybe my heart just yearns for that time of year so much that I have myself dreaming while walking. Whatever the reason, it is delicious.
I'm feelng transitions right now. The girls starting their new montessori program three days a week. Me about to begin massage school...I am up and down about it all. A little scared, unsure of what to think or feel about it. The girls don't seem to love their school nor do they seem to hate it. I feel guilty for sending them...they should be home with me at four years of age...They should be getting muddy in the back yard, yet the other part of me is glorifying in the space...a little time for me...to finish projects and clean houses without interruption. I'll need the time for studying, besides...but I can't help feeling a bit wistful, still so unsure that it is right for them. Montessori can be so teachy...each manipulative handled just so...my girls don't like being Taught things. Freya said "school is boring, we have to learn things." hmmm, where did that come from? I don't want the to equate learning with boring. It is hard to have an unschooling mindset and yet know that you as a person cannot stay home all the time. I want a career, outside interaction. I also want to be a domestic goddess, mama...loving caring for her family her home. I'm not sure of the balance yet. I've been a SAHM for four years and I have felt like I needed something else too. But I still feel so guilty for sending the girls to school when I'm not sure that is who they are.
I'm grateful, though. Grateful for every minute I spend with those two luscious lovelies. They do play in the mud all day. They take several baths a day because they go in and out. I can tell they feel the shift towards fall too because they are outside even more than usual these days. I love how muddy they get. I love that they gave Ursa's Ariel doll a haircut, I love that Ursula can walk on the slack rope and pull herself up and over it dropping to the ground like a Cirque performer. I love how Freya tells me all day long out of the blue "I love you, Mama" I love how Ursa's face crinkles all up like the bear that she is when she gets mad, placing her hands on her hips saying, "I'm NOT your Dearest Darling" and "I'm NOT crying." I love what fish they have become, especially Freya...she has such conrol in the water, she is so natural, floating around, doing flips. Il love that they can blow bubbles on the porch for hours. I love that they get each other all riled up and start laughing hysterically. I love the incredible towers/castles/creations they build with their blocks. I love their continuous play with all their little people and animals. I love that they so trust I can sew anything for them. Even though I have only had one beginners sewing class. I love how in the car at night they say "Mama Moon is following us and call out to Mama Moon whenever they see her." I love how they always want to build fires in the back yard even when it is 102 outside. I love how they say "Mama, I want some lovins'" Ursa says "Mama, snuggle me up" Freya is so complimentary "Oh thank you, Mama. Thank you so much for _____. I love it so. Oh I really do, Mama. I love you. Thank you...." I love how Freya chatters non-stop on the telephone and at night before going to bed. I love how they both have independently said at night before bed that they see dots and those are the fairies. I love how they have an imaginary friend named Punch who is a goblin king and a fairy named Salt whom we don't see often, but come around from time to time.
I want to be more present with them. I feel like I forget too much. Even now, I had a hard time recalling so much of the hilarious things they said just today. I laugh at them and then it flies right out of my head. But even though I may forget many hilarious comments, I will never forget how grand it feels to be the cherished mama of such radiant beings. One thing Ursa has said several times now is "Mama, I want to plant these apple seeds (she collects the seeds from her apple snack) I want to grow an apple tree and live in it." Oh, me too, my dearest darling, me too. I want to live in it with all of you. My Sweets.
I'm feelng transitions right now. The girls starting their new montessori program three days a week. Me about to begin massage school...I am up and down about it all. A little scared, unsure of what to think or feel about it. The girls don't seem to love their school nor do they seem to hate it. I feel guilty for sending them...they should be home with me at four years of age...They should be getting muddy in the back yard, yet the other part of me is glorifying in the space...a little time for me...to finish projects and clean houses without interruption. I'll need the time for studying, besides...but I can't help feeling a bit wistful, still so unsure that it is right for them. Montessori can be so teachy...each manipulative handled just so...my girls don't like being Taught things. Freya said "school is boring, we have to learn things." hmmm, where did that come from? I don't want the to equate learning with boring. It is hard to have an unschooling mindset and yet know that you as a person cannot stay home all the time. I want a career, outside interaction. I also want to be a domestic goddess, mama...loving caring for her family her home. I'm not sure of the balance yet. I've been a SAHM for four years and I have felt like I needed something else too. But I still feel so guilty for sending the girls to school when I'm not sure that is who they are.
I'm grateful, though. Grateful for every minute I spend with those two luscious lovelies. They do play in the mud all day. They take several baths a day because they go in and out. I can tell they feel the shift towards fall too because they are outside even more than usual these days. I love how muddy they get. I love that they gave Ursa's Ariel doll a haircut, I love that Ursula can walk on the slack rope and pull herself up and over it dropping to the ground like a Cirque performer. I love how Freya tells me all day long out of the blue "I love you, Mama" I love how Ursa's face crinkles all up like the bear that she is when she gets mad, placing her hands on her hips saying, "I'm NOT your Dearest Darling" and "I'm NOT crying." I love what fish they have become, especially Freya...she has such conrol in the water, she is so natural, floating around, doing flips. Il love that they can blow bubbles on the porch for hours. I love that they get each other all riled up and start laughing hysterically. I love the incredible towers/castles/creations they build with their blocks. I love their continuous play with all their little people and animals. I love that they so trust I can sew anything for them. Even though I have only had one beginners sewing class. I love how in the car at night they say "Mama Moon is following us and call out to Mama Moon whenever they see her." I love how they always want to build fires in the back yard even when it is 102 outside. I love how they say "Mama, I want some lovins'" Ursa says "Mama, snuggle me up" Freya is so complimentary "Oh thank you, Mama. Thank you so much for _____. I love it so. Oh I really do, Mama. I love you. Thank you...." I love how Freya chatters non-stop on the telephone and at night before going to bed. I love how they both have independently said at night before bed that they see dots and those are the fairies. I love how they have an imaginary friend named Punch who is a goblin king and a fairy named Salt whom we don't see often, but come around from time to time.
I want to be more present with them. I feel like I forget too much. Even now, I had a hard time recalling so much of the hilarious things they said just today. I laugh at them and then it flies right out of my head. But even though I may forget many hilarious comments, I will never forget how grand it feels to be the cherished mama of such radiant beings. One thing Ursa has said several times now is "Mama, I want to plant these apple seeds (she collects the seeds from her apple snack) I want to grow an apple tree and live in it." Oh, me too, my dearest darling, me too. I want to live in it with all of you. My Sweets.
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