Shifting

These days, these burning days have left us weepy and cranky and snarling...but today even though it was still 100 degrees outside, I felt a sense of fall. Could it be? Fall...? Maybe it is because my AC finally works after spending $4000. Maybe it is because the evening is noticably closing in sooner...maybe my heart just yearns for that time of year so much that I have myself dreaming while walking. Whatever the reason, it is delicious.

I'm feelng transitions right now. The girls starting their new montessori program three days a week. Me about to begin massage school...I am up and down about it all. A little scared, unsure of what to think or feel about it. The girls don't seem to love their school nor do they seem to hate it. I feel guilty for sending them...they should be home with me at four years of age...They should be getting muddy in the back yard, yet the other part of me is glorifying in the space...a little time for me...to finish projects and clean houses without interruption. I'll need the time for studying, besides...but I can't help feeling a bit wistful, still so unsure that it is right for them. Montessori can be so teachy...each manipulative handled just so...my girls don't like being Taught things. Freya said "school is boring, we have to learn things." hmmm, where did that come from? I don't want the to equate learning with boring. It is hard to have an unschooling mindset and yet know that you as a person cannot stay home all the time. I want a career, outside interaction. I also want to be a domestic goddess, mama...loving caring for her family her home. I'm not sure of the balance yet. I've been a SAHM for four years and I have felt like I needed something else too. But I still feel so guilty for sending the girls to school when I'm not sure that is who they are.

I'm grateful, though. Grateful for every minute I spend with those two luscious lovelies. They do play in the mud all day. They take several baths a day because they go in and out. I can tell they feel the shift towards fall too because they are outside even more than usual these days. I love how muddy they get. I love that they gave Ursa's Ariel doll a haircut, I love that Ursula can walk on the slack rope and pull herself up and over it dropping to the ground like a Cirque performer. I love how Freya tells me all day long out of the blue "I love you, Mama" I love how Ursa's face crinkles all up like the bear that she is when she gets mad, placing her hands on her hips saying, "I'm NOT your Dearest Darling" and "I'm NOT crying." I love what fish they have become, especially Freya...she has such conrol in the water, she is so natural, floating around, doing flips. Il love that they can blow bubbles on the porch for hours. I love that they get each other all riled up and start laughing hysterically. I love the incredible towers/castles/creations they build with their blocks. I love their continuous play with all their little people and animals. I love that they so trust I can sew anything for them. Even though I have only had one beginners sewing class. I love how in the car at night they say "Mama Moon is following us and call out to Mama Moon whenever they see her." I love how they always want to build fires in the back yard even when it is 102 outside. I love how they say "Mama, I want some lovins'" Ursa says "Mama, snuggle me up" Freya is so complimentary "Oh thank you, Mama. Thank you so much for _____. I love it so. Oh I really do, Mama. I love you. Thank you...." I love how Freya chatters non-stop on the telephone and at night before going to bed. I love how they both have independently said at night before bed that they see dots and those are the fairies. I love how they have an imaginary friend named Punch who is a goblin king and a fairy named Salt whom we don't see often, but come around from time to time.

I want to be more present with them. I feel like I forget too much. Even now, I had a hard time recalling so much of the hilarious things they said just today. I laugh at them and then it flies right out of my head. But even though I may forget many hilarious comments, I will never forget how grand it feels to be the cherished mama of such radiant beings. One thing Ursa has said several times now is "Mama, I want to plant these apple seeds (she collects the seeds from her apple snack) I want to grow an apple tree and live in it." Oh, me too, my dearest darling, me too. I want to live in it with all of you. My Sweets.