Today I made a big step for me. I dropped the cubs off at a part-time preschool program on the East side of town. I say it was a big step because it is what I've been needing and dreading at the same time. I've never really asked for help with the girls and part of me feels like I failed somehow because I can't do this 24/7. Part of me rejoices at finally getting a little time for me back. I plan on letting them both go four days a week for a couple of weeks and then I will start taking one with me on Mondays and one with me on Tuesdays so that I can have some one on one Mama time with each of them. They were excited. As soon as we arrived at the Pan Am Center they jumped out of the car and grabbed their bags. They have been talking a lot about the teacher's four-year-old daughter, Matilda, whom they met when we went to check the center out. I dropped them off in the classroom and as I was leaving they just bopped over to me, planted a kiss on my lips and said "Ok, bye Mom!" No big deal. Just like that. Though, it doesn't surprise me, they have always been so comfortable with new situations and surroundings. I feel blessed to have such flexible children. I like to think I had a little something to do with that. I think this will be a good change for us. They need some time away from Mama. Mama needs some time and they both need some time away from each other. I trust it will make us all a little more sane. They fill my heart to overflowing. I love them so desperately and yet can rage so hard with anger because of them. No one has ever effected me this way. I saw a quote the other day that I loved. It said "Making the decision to have a child--It is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." I couldn't agree more. Bittersweet, indeed.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
A Little Coffee with your Kindness?
I'm having thoughts this evening about how to raise kind children. How to be kind myself, how to spread kindness in the world. I had an incident a week ago that really made me think about this. The cubs and I went to Pacha for breakfast. I have been going to Pacha semi-regularly for around four years. I bought food and coffee and sat down to eat with the girls. While there U and F started getting really excited and running around my table and doing that happy screechy little girl sound. Now, I realize it is a small coffee house and that people are trying to study or talk or....So I asked the girls to stop and when they didn't I got down on one knee and put my arms around each of them to talk to them and ask explain to them why loud noises were best reserved for outside the coffee shop. As I was trying to talk to the girls the owner of the shop started saying loudly to me from behind the counter "You can't scream in here like that, they can't scream in here, they can't scream in here." She kept saying it over and over as if I was an idiot or lackey mother letting my children run around wild. Taking absolutely no notice that I was down on my knees trying to talk to my girls about the situation she came out from around the counter still chanting her refrain "You can't scream in here like that" Yeah, really lady..."Hey you notice me down trying to talk to my children." She loomed over us with her arms folded looking at me as if scolding me. I was so angry and dumbfounded all I could do was look at her like she was crazy. Seriously there are several ways she could have handled that situation and she chose the most ridiculous and unkind one. She could have noticed that the mother was trying to deal with it and instead of scolding us, come over and talked to us like we are human beings. Instead of looming over the girls, she could have gotten down to their level. She could have conveyed the same message with a soft unaccusing tone. Then she would have maintained me as a customer. I'm not a customer who goes in and nurses one coffee for two hours. I buy food and am usually out immediately. I'm just so tired of how anti-children our society really is. Even other parents do it. Looking at other people's children who may be making a little noise as if they are hooligans. The same people who would never bat an eye at a table of loud laughing adults, send dirty looks to a table of joyfully giggling children. What have adults forgotten that they were children once? Is it that difficult to stop and assess a situation and your reaction to it? I am making it my commitment to cultivating the ability to see things from anothers perspective in myself and my children. I will start by giving the owner of Pacha the benefit of the doubt...perhaps she had a bad day, her dog died, her boyfriend left her and she closed her finger in the door...I know we all react poorly sometimes. But I will definitely keep this event as a reminder in my heart that a little kindness can go a long long way. And kindness costs less than a latte.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
The monsters in my closet
They loved trick-or-treating, but even more so loved the chocolate. We gave them a little candy each day until the chocolate was gone. They didn't really care for the other candies, but oh the chocolate. Ursula would smile a glowing grin, nod her head and say most emphatically "I want chocolate. I want chocolate."
Now they still pretend they are trick-or-treating with their daddy, knocking on the bedroom door, opening it and yelling "Trick-or-treat in their lovely sing-songy voices. They have also moved onto a different kind of chocolate...Hot Chocolate. Yum. This is one of their mommy's favorites too so I understand the obsession. We have it every morning now for breakfast.
The weekend before Halloween we also had a huge Harvest Party Potluck. I think around fifty or so people joined us...yikes. The house was packed and cozy. We also had a fire in the backyard with s'mores. There were so many children running around that some of the adults looked a little perplexed...yet nothing went astray. The cubs were excited and overwhelmed. At one point Freya crawled into bed surrounded by a room full of jumping yelling children, and sat there in a bit of a daze. All she could muster was a quiet "No shoes on the bed" refrain that went mostly unheaded. At the end of the night Ursula did have a melt-down...just too tired poor Bear, but that was the extent of it. Pretty good for that many people and that many children packed into one house together all evening. It was festive and chaotic...just like our family. Ah, I love this time of year.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Harvest Moons
Fall in theory is upon us. I chose the above photo of the cubs from Samhain last year because it really expresses my feelings at this time of year. I become wistful and a bit melancholy in a nice turning- inward sort of way. The summer is waning and days of splashing in brightly colored swimming pools are passing away, yet we are still here ready for the transformation continuing to grow, love and celebrate.
This is my favorite time of the year and I'm always ready to soak every bit of it up through my breath, through my cells. Especially since Autumn does not last long in our land. My mind turns to all the beauty and bounty that we have harvested this year. The cubs are so strong and full of life. I still cannot believe I gave birth to these two willful intoxicating gypsy children. I try to remember how much I love these qualities in them even as I am tired from wrangling them all day. I do not want to break their spirits or somehow make them obedient. I just want to continue to revel in their freedom... and be a partner to them...and learn from them. They have so much to teach me...I can see it when I look in their eyes...or perhaps not to teach me, but to remind me. We dance together in this life and I can feel the warm energy that is shared between us, filling up the space that I hope will never be empty. They are my two full-bellied harvest moons. Their light and magnetism creates my tides. Without them I am only salt water. I am blessed with my Honey, Chris. His open heart and unflinching devotion keep me sane. This quality reminds me so much of my own loving father and my own heart almost bursts because I never realized I could have someone as dedicated to me as my father is to my mother. I am astounded by how selfless he can be when it comes to the cubs and me. Once he told me with tears shining in his eyes that this family is what he has always dreamed about. I'm putting energy out this year for the two of us to spend more one on one time together reconnecting as husband and wife, not just parents.
Now I wait for the weather to grow coolor as the days grow shorter. I feel all dreamy and floaty thinking of pumpkins and cider and fires out in the garden, sweaters and boots and cozy scarves and hats; red cheeks and noses with that slightly damp feel, bare branches and crisp piles of leaves, the starkness of nature, the drawing in, the cuddles under blankets, hot soup with crusty bread, hot buttered rum, the allure of staying inside with books, the smell in the air of earth swept clean by wind, the gray of skies with occasional bright blue warm days (this is Texas after all), wrapping babes in arms and whispering stories of persephone and demeter in their ears. Yum, yum, yum...I ache with the joy of it all. Yes, my love, I agree, this is the family I always dreamed of. I want to scoop you all up and serve you with honey and roasted nuts, my family... so delicious. You, the cubs, the dogs and me...full, round, complete and blessed by this Harvest Moon.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Disguised Perfection
It is 11pm and the cubs are in their darkened room sleeping side by side on their new big-girl bed. Chris is at the studio and I am sitting in the delicious silence. I think about the cubs and I want to run to them and lay my cheek against theirs and breathe in their sleepy warm scent.
Yet, life with them has been a struggle lately. They are two spirited children, thank goodness, but oh it is exhausting me. I am realizing that part of the problem is my reaction to them and my inability to accept reality. The reality is that they are two and a half years old, exploring, living fully, investigating all the ends and outs of their bodies, our home, their world. They also are not logical creatures right now. Trying to use logic and rhetoric on them does not work yet. Trying to make them understand how tired Mommy is or how much Mommy wants something is ludicrous. They are in a "ME" centered age and I need to come to terms with that. I think that sometimes Chris and I expect them to understand things and communicate beyond their years and that just isn't fair to them.
I spoke with Dayna Martin, the radical unschooling mentor I called a couple months ago. It is always so lovely to talk to her because her words kind of shake me out of my victim "woe is me" mentality. I always feel re-energized about my parenting after talking to her. I always come away re-committed to peaceful parenting. I've been so rough with the cubs lately. She helped me understand that I am working against myself with the "Law of Attraction" I told her that though I usually parent in the way she and I talk about, it is often with some nervousness wondering if it is going "to work", wondering if the girls will actually comply with my wishes. Instead of staying relaxed about the whole thing and going with the flow of our lives, I'm attracting more problems to me. Anyway, I could go on forever about this.
Suffice it to say, I am reaffirming my passion for being a mother. I love being a mother, but lately I was actually disliking it. I am also realistic enough to know that we go through these phases of hating and loving parenting and I need to go easy on myself. Since I"m with the cubs all day, I don't get the opportunity right now to do Seva in my community. But I realized that doing for my family IS my Seva. Wholeheartedly, serving my family is how I give back to my community. It is a great gift. By serving I don't mean I'm a servant to them, I just mean that taking care of my family and myself is a beautiful thing to be doing with my time right now. Instead of resenting it sometimes, welcoming it with open arms, could make all the difference in my own pleasure and satisifaction with my days.
And instead of reenforcing this notion of "Oh, I'm so tired and the cubs are so wild and none of my friends understand because they all have one child" I can try to use my yoga methods more and come to peace with the chaos of this phase in the cubs' development. It is really about accepting the situation and not feeling the need to change the situation.
Side notes: The cubs weren't napping again today and I wanted some me time with the book I'm reading "The Lovely Bones" I asked the girls to play together while I read and Ursula kept trying to climb on me. I finally got frustrated and stood up saying with my arms open "I need some space" then I walked into my bedroom and closed the door. All I heard from the cubs after that was "I need some space, I need some space" mimicking me. It was pretty funny and made me laugh in spite of myself. The other side-note is the cubs were fighting yesterday...I mean really fighting, tackling each other, trying to bite, head butting, pulling hair the works. I didn't stop them at first because I figured they were pretty evenly matched. I have never seen children that young go at each other like that. Once again I had to laugh in spite of the situation. Their expressions were quite comical.
So here we are sometimes broken, sometimes shining brighter than the Northern Star, but still this is perfect, as is. Grandly, messily, perfect.
Yet, life with them has been a struggle lately. They are two spirited children, thank goodness, but oh it is exhausting me. I am realizing that part of the problem is my reaction to them and my inability to accept reality. The reality is that they are two and a half years old, exploring, living fully, investigating all the ends and outs of their bodies, our home, their world. They also are not logical creatures right now. Trying to use logic and rhetoric on them does not work yet. Trying to make them understand how tired Mommy is or how much Mommy wants something is ludicrous. They are in a "ME" centered age and I need to come to terms with that. I think that sometimes Chris and I expect them to understand things and communicate beyond their years and that just isn't fair to them.
I spoke with Dayna Martin, the radical unschooling mentor I called a couple months ago. It is always so lovely to talk to her because her words kind of shake me out of my victim "woe is me" mentality. I always feel re-energized about my parenting after talking to her. I always come away re-committed to peaceful parenting. I've been so rough with the cubs lately. She helped me understand that I am working against myself with the "Law of Attraction" I told her that though I usually parent in the way she and I talk about, it is often with some nervousness wondering if it is going "to work", wondering if the girls will actually comply with my wishes. Instead of staying relaxed about the whole thing and going with the flow of our lives, I'm attracting more problems to me. Anyway, I could go on forever about this.
Suffice it to say, I am reaffirming my passion for being a mother. I love being a mother, but lately I was actually disliking it. I am also realistic enough to know that we go through these phases of hating and loving parenting and I need to go easy on myself. Since I"m with the cubs all day, I don't get the opportunity right now to do Seva in my community. But I realized that doing for my family IS my Seva. Wholeheartedly, serving my family is how I give back to my community. It is a great gift. By serving I don't mean I'm a servant to them, I just mean that taking care of my family and myself is a beautiful thing to be doing with my time right now. Instead of resenting it sometimes, welcoming it with open arms, could make all the difference in my own pleasure and satisifaction with my days.
And instead of reenforcing this notion of "Oh, I'm so tired and the cubs are so wild and none of my friends understand because they all have one child" I can try to use my yoga methods more and come to peace with the chaos of this phase in the cubs' development. It is really about accepting the situation and not feeling the need to change the situation.
Side notes: The cubs weren't napping again today and I wanted some me time with the book I'm reading "The Lovely Bones" I asked the girls to play together while I read and Ursula kept trying to climb on me. I finally got frustrated and stood up saying with my arms open "I need some space" then I walked into my bedroom and closed the door. All I heard from the cubs after that was "I need some space, I need some space" mimicking me. It was pretty funny and made me laugh in spite of myself. The other side-note is the cubs were fighting yesterday...I mean really fighting, tackling each other, trying to bite, head butting, pulling hair the works. I didn't stop them at first because I figured they were pretty evenly matched. I have never seen children that young go at each other like that. Once again I had to laugh in spite of the situation. Their expressions were quite comical.
So here we are sometimes broken, sometimes shining brighter than the Northern Star, but still this is perfect, as is. Grandly, messily, perfect.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Trying to keep Up
Ok, I'm not doing well at blogging. I really want to do this at least once a week, but....big sigh here...I get so carried away with life that I forget to record it. I suppose things could be worse. I know that being in the moment fully is more important than snapping a photo or writing a paragraph...but I really want to record it, damn it. So here we are, the cubs are almost two and a half now and the last time I wrote was at nineteen months. I have little notes all over the house hiding on scraps of paper and forgotten notebooks of our adventures but no one place to store it. So I'm making yet another commitment to this blogging thing. The community aspect of it isn't even what it is about, though I do lurk on others blogs. No for me, I just want to remind myself of the little things that mean so much to me.
Tonight the cubs are sleeping in their very own "Big Girl" bed for the very first time. The are usually each in their own crib and then come to the family bed in the middle of the night. We tried for nine months to start out in the family bed and then no one slept. It seems so many of my preconceived notions of parenthood have flown out the window. We finally had to give in and put them in seperate cribs, which meant that even though I was still waking every forty-five minutes to nurse a baby (the girls alternated night-time feedings one every hour pretty much on the hour) I could at least sleep for that forty-five minutes. Once we put them in cribs they started falling asleep so easily and early at night. It is the only easy thing about their sleep typically so I was nervous to take the cribs away. But, come on, they can crawl out of the cribs and it is really only a psychological boundary for them.
I found a queen-sized low-profile futon bed on craigslist so that if they roll out they have only a few inches to the floor...they flop around alot in their sleep, which is why sharing the family bed with them can sometimes be...um taxing...to say the least. They were really excited about the bed thing. Freya was crawling into the covers early and pretending to sleep. At one point she said to me "Get off the bed, Mommy. This is MY bed" Ursula also chastised me at least once for being on her bed. But then when it came to lights out they didn't want us to go. Freya insisted on a light being left on. They wanted me to sit with them. I lay down with them and, though I was about to fall asleep they were up wandering and chatting. I know it was so new to them and they were having a hard time closing their eyes, but I also know that having us in there is very distracting for them and if we just leave they fall asleep. So, with an unsure feeling, not knowing if I had ruined our sleep routine, I left the room. They fussed for about ten minutes and then went straight to sleep. They were so tired. Let me just say, that I know when they really need me in there and when they are being distracted by my presence. They behave differently. I never leave them when they are upset. But here they were just sort of goofing around with their droopy eyes.
I'll take some photos tomorrow of them on their new bed. So much going on today. We had a magnificent family day mostly playing outside in our refreshed and tree trimmed backyard. The cubs jumped in and out of their kiddie pool, sprayed Chris and me with the water hose, ran around naked and....get this...pee pee'd in their potties all day long...and Freya pooped in her potty. Wow, big steps. For the past several months they have NOT been digging the potty thing and mostly peeing on the floor. But today they were all about the potty. They would just go without telling me.
They are also both talking so much now. Full sentences of the funniest things come out of their mouths. The cubs and I were taking a bath the other day and I was really tired. I started rubbing my face and Freya leaned over, hugged me and said "Don't be sad, Mommy, don't be sad" It was so sweet. She also was playing a game with me when I was trying to read a magazine. She would take away the magazine I was reading and hand me a different magazine. I would say, "But I was reading that other magazine" She just shook her head and said "So sorry, Mommy, so sorry" and would continue to take away my magazine replacing it with a an unwanted magazine. I'm assuming that was her way of showing me what it felt like to have something you like taken away. Point taken, my sweets, point taken.
Ursula loved sorting coins. We keep a bowl of pocket change that has grown to quite a collection on the counter in the kitchen. She was crawling up ther and playing with the coins by pushing a chair over (my little climber) I'm trying to convince her to just ask me so that I can put the coins on the floor for her. When I see her playing with the coins she says "It's my game...I'm playing my game" I think it is cute that she calls it "her game"
Speaking of climbing. I've called 911 twice in the past week. Last Sunday we were hanging out running around the UT campus when the cubs started hanging on a chain between two posts. Ursa decided to use it as a swing and fell over backwards conking her head on the cement and knocking herself unconscious. I couldn't believe it. Chris picked her up and was trying to wake her but she was out. I thought I would freak out at a moment like that, but instead a calm spread over me. I felt absolutely nothing...no emotions...I think emotions would have clouded my judgement. I didn't even realize that I had noticed the police call boxes on campus, but obviously part of me had because without saying a word, I turned right around and went directly to one hitting the button and talking to 911. She was only out a couple of seconds and had no concusion. The paramedics checked her out and said she was fine. She was jumping up and down within fifteen minutes. But, I just wonder what we are in for. They are soooooo active and fearless. I love how confident they are in their bodies, but I also worry, especially with two of them. Then a couple of days ago, Ursa was on the floor and Freya picked up a dime and stuck it in her mouth. She was acting funny and Chris thought he felt a dime at the back of her throat. It wasn't coming out so we called 911. We were able to cancel that one, and Freya was fine...but ....really...two 911 calls in one week? That is too much. The day before Ursula fell off a bucket and sliced her finger open dripping blood everywhere and making me wonder if we needed stitches, then the day after that she fell out of Freya's crib while jumping and one minute later smacked her chin on the bar...prompting me to get rid of the cribs. Yikes....writing it like this, sounds crazy.
Ok, must go to bed. This is why I don't blog...so much comes oozing out that my posts are long. Maybe if I blog more I can keep the posts shorter. My sweet wild ones will be waking soon to join me in bed so I better brush my teeth. So much to be joyful about still. The energy that the tree-trimming and clean-up of the backyard opened up is opening in me too. I feel good things existing and dancing around every corner. Which is nice because last month I was in a depression. I'm glad I'm coming out of it. Sukha (good/free/beautiful space) that is my new favorite word, which is why I've added it to my title.
Tonight the cubs are sleeping in their very own "Big Girl" bed for the very first time. The are usually each in their own crib and then come to the family bed in the middle of the night. We tried for nine months to start out in the family bed and then no one slept. It seems so many of my preconceived notions of parenthood have flown out the window. We finally had to give in and put them in seperate cribs, which meant that even though I was still waking every forty-five minutes to nurse a baby (the girls alternated night-time feedings one every hour pretty much on the hour) I could at least sleep for that forty-five minutes. Once we put them in cribs they started falling asleep so easily and early at night. It is the only easy thing about their sleep typically so I was nervous to take the cribs away. But, come on, they can crawl out of the cribs and it is really only a psychological boundary for them.
I found a queen-sized low-profile futon bed on craigslist so that if they roll out they have only a few inches to the floor...they flop around alot in their sleep, which is why sharing the family bed with them can sometimes be...um taxing...to say the least. They were really excited about the bed thing. Freya was crawling into the covers early and pretending to sleep. At one point she said to me "Get off the bed, Mommy. This is MY bed" Ursula also chastised me at least once for being on her bed. But then when it came to lights out they didn't want us to go. Freya insisted on a light being left on. They wanted me to sit with them. I lay down with them and, though I was about to fall asleep they were up wandering and chatting. I know it was so new to them and they were having a hard time closing their eyes, but I also know that having us in there is very distracting for them and if we just leave they fall asleep. So, with an unsure feeling, not knowing if I had ruined our sleep routine, I left the room. They fussed for about ten minutes and then went straight to sleep. They were so tired. Let me just say, that I know when they really need me in there and when they are being distracted by my presence. They behave differently. I never leave them when they are upset. But here they were just sort of goofing around with their droopy eyes.
I'll take some photos tomorrow of them on their new bed. So much going on today. We had a magnificent family day mostly playing outside in our refreshed and tree trimmed backyard. The cubs jumped in and out of their kiddie pool, sprayed Chris and me with the water hose, ran around naked and....get this...pee pee'd in their potties all day long...and Freya pooped in her potty. Wow, big steps. For the past several months they have NOT been digging the potty thing and mostly peeing on the floor. But today they were all about the potty. They would just go without telling me.
They are also both talking so much now. Full sentences of the funniest things come out of their mouths. The cubs and I were taking a bath the other day and I was really tired. I started rubbing my face and Freya leaned over, hugged me and said "Don't be sad, Mommy, don't be sad" It was so sweet. She also was playing a game with me when I was trying to read a magazine. She would take away the magazine I was reading and hand me a different magazine. I would say, "But I was reading that other magazine" She just shook her head and said "So sorry, Mommy, so sorry" and would continue to take away my magazine replacing it with a an unwanted magazine. I'm assuming that was her way of showing me what it felt like to have something you like taken away. Point taken, my sweets, point taken.
Ursula loved sorting coins. We keep a bowl of pocket change that has grown to quite a collection on the counter in the kitchen. She was crawling up ther and playing with the coins by pushing a chair over (my little climber) I'm trying to convince her to just ask me so that I can put the coins on the floor for her. When I see her playing with the coins she says "It's my game...I'm playing my game" I think it is cute that she calls it "her game"
Speaking of climbing. I've called 911 twice in the past week. Last Sunday we were hanging out running around the UT campus when the cubs started hanging on a chain between two posts. Ursa decided to use it as a swing and fell over backwards conking her head on the cement and knocking herself unconscious. I couldn't believe it. Chris picked her up and was trying to wake her but she was out. I thought I would freak out at a moment like that, but instead a calm spread over me. I felt absolutely nothing...no emotions...I think emotions would have clouded my judgement. I didn't even realize that I had noticed the police call boxes on campus, but obviously part of me had because without saying a word, I turned right around and went directly to one hitting the button and talking to 911. She was only out a couple of seconds and had no concusion. The paramedics checked her out and said she was fine. She was jumping up and down within fifteen minutes. But, I just wonder what we are in for. They are soooooo active and fearless. I love how confident they are in their bodies, but I also worry, especially with two of them. Then a couple of days ago, Ursa was on the floor and Freya picked up a dime and stuck it in her mouth. She was acting funny and Chris thought he felt a dime at the back of her throat. It wasn't coming out so we called 911. We were able to cancel that one, and Freya was fine...but ....really...two 911 calls in one week? That is too much. The day before Ursula fell off a bucket and sliced her finger open dripping blood everywhere and making me wonder if we needed stitches, then the day after that she fell out of Freya's crib while jumping and one minute later smacked her chin on the bar...prompting me to get rid of the cribs. Yikes....writing it like this, sounds crazy.
Ok, must go to bed. This is why I don't blog...so much comes oozing out that my posts are long. Maybe if I blog more I can keep the posts shorter. My sweet wild ones will be waking soon to join me in bed so I better brush my teeth. So much to be joyful about still. The energy that the tree-trimming and clean-up of the backyard opened up is opening in me too. I feel good things existing and dancing around every corner. Which is nice because last month I was in a depression. I'm glad I'm coming out of it. Sukha (good/free/beautiful space) that is my new favorite word, which is why I've added it to my title.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Terrible Journaler
Ugh, I really do intend to keep up with this blog, but alas there are always a million projects, which I'm thankful for. But I really want to keep a record of the growth of the girlcubs and my thoughts on it all. I know that already the past year and a half has flown by and my memory is already getting fuzzy.
Just so I don't forget here is a brief rundown on some of the things happening in the world of cubs these days.
* Holding Hands: Ursula and Freya are holding hands more and more, note to self get photo of this. They do it in the car, sitting in their seats bouncing their legs to the music and holding each other's hand. Oh my my my...when I look at them they both smile big toothy grins at me...I love it. They also started walking around holding hands last weekend when we went to the City Wide Garage Sale. There they were two nineteen month old toddlers holding hands happily roaming the aisles of vintage/retro/junk items in front of mom and dad. It made we want to scream it was so damn cute.
* They are loving on their daddy. These two are really into their daddy right now. They call out for him all the time and want to help him with his tasks. They helped him fill holes in the back yard the other day, pushing the wheelbarrow with him, stamping down the dirt. They also wrestle like crazy with him on the floor laughing and jumping on him with abandon.
* Ursula is getting her first back molars and it doesn't seem to be bothering her much.
* They are obsessed with reading books, yes, thank you, finally. I'm so happy to see them loving books now. They bring books to us constantly and do that little backwards wiggle walk feeling the air with their booties so that they can sit on our laps. How cute is it when toddlers do that? Some of their current favorites: Bear Snores On, Silly Sally, Goodnight Moon, Many Colored Days, Snowy Day.
Oh there are so many things, but I should go to bed. I will try at least once a week to keep up with this blog...really, I mean it.
Just so I don't forget here is a brief rundown on some of the things happening in the world of cubs these days.
* Holding Hands: Ursula and Freya are holding hands more and more, note to self get photo of this. They do it in the car, sitting in their seats bouncing their legs to the music and holding each other's hand. Oh my my my...when I look at them they both smile big toothy grins at me...I love it. They also started walking around holding hands last weekend when we went to the City Wide Garage Sale. There they were two nineteen month old toddlers holding hands happily roaming the aisles of vintage/retro/junk items in front of mom and dad. It made we want to scream it was so damn cute.
* They are loving on their daddy. These two are really into their daddy right now. They call out for him all the time and want to help him with his tasks. They helped him fill holes in the back yard the other day, pushing the wheelbarrow with him, stamping down the dirt. They also wrestle like crazy with him on the floor laughing and jumping on him with abandon.
* Ursula is getting her first back molars and it doesn't seem to be bothering her much.
* They are obsessed with reading books, yes, thank you, finally. I'm so happy to see them loving books now. They bring books to us constantly and do that little backwards wiggle walk feeling the air with their booties so that they can sit on our laps. How cute is it when toddlers do that? Some of their current favorites: Bear Snores On, Silly Sally, Goodnight Moon, Many Colored Days, Snowy Day.
Oh there are so many things, but I should go to bed. I will try at least once a week to keep up with this blog...really, I mean it.
Monday, August 07, 2006
It is fascinating to see the differences in children of the same age. We have been going to a class called Music Together that includes children around the girlcubs' age. The girlcubs dominate that class, roaming all around laughing and dancing, grabbing instruments and sitting on them. They climb all over Ms. Carey the leader of the class. They adore her, must be some sort of previous life stuff. They will sit in her arms the entire class checking in with me occasionally, but mostly wanting all her attention. I would be jealous if it weren't for the fact that I welcome the break. So the girls hang with Ms. Carey and their Daddy while Mommy just sings and dances hovering near them to tickle or poke. Anyway, my point was that the girlcubs are so vivacious compared to other children their age. Other kids seem so quiet and a bit timid next to my girls. Not that I find anything wrong with shy introspective children, in fact I like the subtley of them...It is just that my girls are definitely NOT subtle. And I LOVE it! We recently drove to to Taos, NM with the girlcubs for Amanda's wedding and everyone was floored by the expressiveness of the cubs. Rob's mom-in-law sighed and said "They just have so much joy in them" I think that statement pretty much sums it up. These girls have joy.
Oh, but do they also have woe. They just turned fifteen months and it has been so hot and they haven't been able to play outdoors much because it has been so hot and did I say it has been so hot? Argh! My Sweet Petites are arriving into full-blown tantrum territory. It usually happens after their afternoon nap (they get cranky just like their mommy). If I don't have milkies and snack ready to shove in their plump little mouths it can set them off...sometimes even if I am shoving snacks and milk into them they are still writhing. I try not to take it personally. I breathe alot and touch them gently or not at all depending on what seems to suit them and talk reassuringly telling them I know that they are tired and feeling emotional and need to let it out. I don't know if any of that helps them, but it does help me to not get caught up in the drama of it all. Though I do have plenty of moments of snapping.
So for the past two days the sky has threatened rain even giving us a few puny raindrops...teasing me with the sweet wet possibilities but nary a real shower. However, at least the when it does that the afternoons become bearable and the girlcubs can foray around the backyard. Yippee. They try to get as dirty as they can in the shortest amount of time. They slide and rock in my plastic rocking horse from childhood. They ransack the garden and try to move boulders. Freya tries to creep between the sheds towards the dog poop can and I have to call her back. Ursa loves to stand on top of the rocking horse from my childhood threatening to fall backwards busting her head on the hard dry earth...Today they sat in the flowerbed scooping up piles of dirt. Freya's hands were filthy and she stuck a finger in her mouth. I made the mistake of squishing up my face and saying "Nasty, don't stick your dirty fingers in your mouth, Freybie" Well that started them on their game. They both laughed at me with those laughs...Oh those delightful devilish laughs with that sparkle in their eyes and their four big teeth poking out...and Ursa scooped dirt into her hand and promptly shoved it into her mouth. "ooohhh, yucky, Baby...How does that dirt taste? Pretty Good?" Freybie licks her filth smeared hand "Grody, Baby. Nasty old fingers. Yum Yum?" They giggled somemore scooping and licking. Flecks of dirt all over their cheeks and lips and rolling across their tongues. Oh waht vagabonds my children are. I'm sure both their grandmothers would be appalled. I on the other hand love to see those toothy smiles and wrinkled up noses...so I'm willing to suffer a little dirt.
Freybie loves my belly. Oh I'm glad someone does. She often will pull to lift up my shirt and when she sees my belly she smiles pokes it and then lays her sweet soft cheek on it. I love to stroke her downy hair as she presses that cheek against my belly sticking her finger in my bellybutton. I love the smell of their hair and skin like sunshine unleashed mixed with garden flowers and a touch of sour milk. Hmmmm, I miss that smell just thinking about it right now.
Speaking of their hair. These girls have hair of the most beautiful color and eyes to match. Their hair is such a lovely mocha brown with just a hint of red and it is feathery soft and just starting to curl at the ends, though sometimes it lays really flat against their heads and looks all mod. I've even had people ask me if I have cut their hair that way because it looks so styled. Their eyes are so lovely and soulful. This time a deeper more esspresso brown. At Amanda's wedding her friend Alex said that the girls have a wonderful chaotic beauty and I thought that was a perfect term for it. At a recent birthday party the girls were running around with just their broomstick skirts on bellies poking out (which no one could resist btw) and our friend Jen said they looked like little gypsies. It is true. Though neither Chris nor myself look particularly ethnic the unusual blend of our Czech and Cajun heritages has combined to form two very unique creatures. They are stout and compact too. You can see the earthy energy mixed with a ball of fire inside of them. So many other kids I"ve seen their age seem whispier, longer and leaner...though the girlcubs aren't uber chubby or short. It is just they seem ...well...yes "compact" is the right word for it.
They are talking more too babbling sentences that I can't quite make out, but the sounds are resembling english a little more. And they are continuing to say words though none with regularity. And they are understanding more too. I can ask them to go get those blocks over there and bring them to me and they will walk over and get the blocks. Chris and I say "Ok, it is time for a bath" and they both walk immediately to the bathroom and sometimes start trying to climb in while still clothed.
Oh and the lovely kisses are coming more too, especially from Ursa. She is understanding the closed mouth kiss thing better. There is nothing nicer than baby kisses especially when the babies are your own. A hug and kiss from one of the girlcubs just about sends my brain into delerium...I love it so much. They also have a few new favorites. Freya loves to get the big broom out and tries to sweep with it. She sort of rubs it back and forth on the ground. They also love their new Mardi Gras beads from Amanda's wedding. They string them around their neck especially Ursa taking them on and off clicking the beads together. Getting mad when the beads get tangled and she can't get them over her head properly. If feel like I should do more structured play with them but they seem pretty content to wander around the house picking up one thing after another playing with it for awhile and moving on. I keep track of what they are doing commenting on it to them and occasionally redirecting an action or chipping in to stack blocks with them or stir imaginary soup, but other than that I let them do what they want. I guess I shouldn't worry too much. You can tell these girls are well loved just by looking at them. They don't appear to be babies who are lacking in the parental attention department so I guess I'll ease up on myself. I know they will need more structured play as they get older, but for now they would rather eat the crayons than color with them.
Oh, but do they also have woe. They just turned fifteen months and it has been so hot and they haven't been able to play outdoors much because it has been so hot and did I say it has been so hot? Argh! My Sweet Petites are arriving into full-blown tantrum territory. It usually happens after their afternoon nap (they get cranky just like their mommy). If I don't have milkies and snack ready to shove in their plump little mouths it can set them off...sometimes even if I am shoving snacks and milk into them they are still writhing. I try not to take it personally. I breathe alot and touch them gently or not at all depending on what seems to suit them and talk reassuringly telling them I know that they are tired and feeling emotional and need to let it out. I don't know if any of that helps them, but it does help me to not get caught up in the drama of it all. Though I do have plenty of moments of snapping.
So for the past two days the sky has threatened rain even giving us a few puny raindrops...teasing me with the sweet wet possibilities but nary a real shower. However, at least the when it does that the afternoons become bearable and the girlcubs can foray around the backyard. Yippee. They try to get as dirty as they can in the shortest amount of time. They slide and rock in my plastic rocking horse from childhood. They ransack the garden and try to move boulders. Freya tries to creep between the sheds towards the dog poop can and I have to call her back. Ursa loves to stand on top of the rocking horse from my childhood threatening to fall backwards busting her head on the hard dry earth...Today they sat in the flowerbed scooping up piles of dirt. Freya's hands were filthy and she stuck a finger in her mouth. I made the mistake of squishing up my face and saying "Nasty, don't stick your dirty fingers in your mouth, Freybie" Well that started them on their game. They both laughed at me with those laughs...Oh those delightful devilish laughs with that sparkle in their eyes and their four big teeth poking out...and Ursa scooped dirt into her hand and promptly shoved it into her mouth. "ooohhh, yucky, Baby...How does that dirt taste? Pretty Good?" Freybie licks her filth smeared hand "Grody, Baby. Nasty old fingers. Yum Yum?" They giggled somemore scooping and licking. Flecks of dirt all over their cheeks and lips and rolling across their tongues. Oh waht vagabonds my children are. I'm sure both their grandmothers would be appalled. I on the other hand love to see those toothy smiles and wrinkled up noses...so I'm willing to suffer a little dirt.
Freybie loves my belly. Oh I'm glad someone does. She often will pull to lift up my shirt and when she sees my belly she smiles pokes it and then lays her sweet soft cheek on it. I love to stroke her downy hair as she presses that cheek against my belly sticking her finger in my bellybutton. I love the smell of their hair and skin like sunshine unleashed mixed with garden flowers and a touch of sour milk. Hmmmm, I miss that smell just thinking about it right now.
Speaking of their hair. These girls have hair of the most beautiful color and eyes to match. Their hair is such a lovely mocha brown with just a hint of red and it is feathery soft and just starting to curl at the ends, though sometimes it lays really flat against their heads and looks all mod. I've even had people ask me if I have cut their hair that way because it looks so styled. Their eyes are so lovely and soulful. This time a deeper more esspresso brown. At Amanda's wedding her friend Alex said that the girls have a wonderful chaotic beauty and I thought that was a perfect term for it. At a recent birthday party the girls were running around with just their broomstick skirts on bellies poking out (which no one could resist btw) and our friend Jen said they looked like little gypsies. It is true. Though neither Chris nor myself look particularly ethnic the unusual blend of our Czech and Cajun heritages has combined to form two very unique creatures. They are stout and compact too. You can see the earthy energy mixed with a ball of fire inside of them. So many other kids I"ve seen their age seem whispier, longer and leaner...though the girlcubs aren't uber chubby or short. It is just they seem ...well...yes "compact" is the right word for it.
They are talking more too babbling sentences that I can't quite make out, but the sounds are resembling english a little more. And they are continuing to say words though none with regularity. And they are understanding more too. I can ask them to go get those blocks over there and bring them to me and they will walk over and get the blocks. Chris and I say "Ok, it is time for a bath" and they both walk immediately to the bathroom and sometimes start trying to climb in while still clothed.
Oh and the lovely kisses are coming more too, especially from Ursa. She is understanding the closed mouth kiss thing better. There is nothing nicer than baby kisses especially when the babies are your own. A hug and kiss from one of the girlcubs just about sends my brain into delerium...I love it so much. They also have a few new favorites. Freya loves to get the big broom out and tries to sweep with it. She sort of rubs it back and forth on the ground. They also love their new Mardi Gras beads from Amanda's wedding. They string them around their neck especially Ursa taking them on and off clicking the beads together. Getting mad when the beads get tangled and she can't get them over her head properly. If feel like I should do more structured play with them but they seem pretty content to wander around the house picking up one thing after another playing with it for awhile and moving on. I keep track of what they are doing commenting on it to them and occasionally redirecting an action or chipping in to stack blocks with them or stir imaginary soup, but other than that I let them do what they want. I guess I shouldn't worry too much. You can tell these girls are well loved just by looking at them. They don't appear to be babies who are lacking in the parental attention department so I guess I'll ease up on myself. I know they will need more structured play as they get older, but for now they would rather eat the crayons than color with them.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Games and Fetishes
Ahhh, Toddlerhood or Topplerhood as my friend Ted calls it. The girl cubs are now getting so long and thin. I look at them wistfully wondering how it all went so fast when I distinctly remember wishing that first year would hurry up and be over with. Now they run around the house as if they've been parading around like that forever. I grab at their still semi fat baby thighs, but I can see the change. Just their big bellies remain leading them around the house.
The have such amazing new expressions and ways of communicating now, sly smiles, sideways glances. Freya loves Foxy...LOVES her and wants to poke and prod her at any given moment. Poor Foxy is beside herself with worry. You can see it on her little pointy rat terrier face. Freya runs toward her hands out feeling for Foxy. Foxy retreats. Freya laughs more and runs faster following Foxy around the house. Foxy get skittish and turns to yap and snap at Frey a warning. This makes Frey laugh harder and run faster. It is a viscious cycle. Pablo on the other hand seems to have mellowed tot he girl cubs quite a bit. I think it started when the girls began eating solid food and dropping on the floor for the pups to snack on. The girls now just hold out their crackers and Os for the dogs and then cry when the dogs dare to eat them. To the pups' credit, however, they are both really gentle while taking food from babes. Back to Pablo. He now lets Frey and Ursa crawl all over him. They drape themselves over his body, scratch at his muzzle, grab at his paws and he just lies there. Sometimes he even has a big ol' Pablo grin on his face. I've even seen the girl cubs crawl on him to sit and he barely lifts an eyebrow. Sweet Pablo, you are a good dog. I knew you would take to the girls.
Ursa is still in her habit of taking items from Freya. She has always done that more than Frey. I try to let them figure it all out for themselves. They have started sort of hitting each other when mad, the only thing is, it just makes the other one laugh. Hmmm, wouldn't it be nice if that stayed the reaction? They are both in big fetish mode...these girls love their accessories. Hats....ooh yeah, they love to put stuff on their head. Ursa put her hat on her own head and parades around the house like the cheshire cat, belly sticking out before her. Sometimes she'll even put two hats on her head. The other day she did the cutest thing....She put on her hat as always and then walked around the corner into the dining room. I assumed she was just wandering proudly round the house as always. She returned just a few seconds later carrying the other hat. As she rounded the corner she held the hat out to me. I was on the couch holding Freya. I assumed Ursa wanted me to help her put this other hat on her head too, but instead I decided to put the hat on Frey's head thinking this would probably piss Ursa off. But, no, Ursa smiled the biggest smile and I knew immediately that she brought the hat specifically for Freya so that Sister could wear one too. Ahhh, my smart darlings.
They also LOVE shoes, they always have loved shoes, any kind of shoes, big, small, thong, boot doesn't matter they love it. Only now they try to wear all the shoes, big, small, thong, boot and get angry if the shoe won't stay on their foot. This drives me crazy as I try to show Freya how to hold the thong on by placing its divider between her toes. She always tries to just lift her foot marching milatary style instead of sliding the foot forward and so, of course, the thong flips right off. This makes her yell and hit the air with her hands. They also love to wrap things around their necks. I know, strangulation hazzard, but I let them as long as I'm in the room and it is loose and kind of draped over a shoulder too. And their newest accessory is the toddler sunglasses we bought them to protect their eyes from the TExas sun. They, of course, refuse to really wear them in the sun, but love to wander around the house like Ray Charles on 'shrooms. Speaking of the sun. Today during our morning walk with Daddy and the pups the girls would shreak whenever we passed out of the shade into direct sunlight. Well, I guess they should just wear those sunglasses outside, shouldn't they.
They are both saying more words now. To date Freya has said Daddy (of course), Mama, Up, Stinky, Duck, Ball (while holding a ball without me telling her it was a ball), All Done while signing the All Done sign, Stop and some variation on Pablo. Ursa isn't as verbal as Freya because she is busy developing larger motor skills. Ursa is a our climber supreme. She climbed before she could walk and actually took time off from practicing walking to learn to climb up her highchair. Ursa has said a few words too, though: Daddy (of course), Mama, Up, and Freya mimicking the same sing songy voice in which I was calling Freya. I'm excited about them learing words as my attempts at sign language with them are going slowly. I've been signing to them since they were about nine months. For awhile they would do the milkies sign when they wanted milk, but that stopped. They learned the "All Done" sign too and used that for awhile, then stopped. And then sort of refused to use them even though I know they know them. I guess they found screaming to be a more effective way of communicating. Actually the past couple weeks the signs have returned somewhat. Occasionally "milkies" most the time "All Done" and most recently Freya has been doing her rendition of the sign for "Water", which thankfully they are drinking more of these days. For awhile there they really only liked dairy or soy milk and I would rather reduce their intake of those.
So the girl cubs are spending more Daddy Time these days as I'm now teaching three yoga classes in the evenings. I know it is tiring for Chris, but I also think he enjoys his alone time with the girls. Besides the girls always seem a little better behaved when there is one parent around who is giving them undivided attention. Today he greeted me home from teaching with a smile on his face and that lovely Daddy glint in his eye. He and the girl cubs had played most of the time on the bed. They would pretend to try to escape the bed and he would grab them and toss them down on the mattress making them squeal with glee. They have a game they like to play with him. They sort of hide around a corner or act like they are going toward a room they arent' supposed to be in and when he goes to get them they run from him laughing maniacally. We have speakers in the living room that the girls mess with. We don't know what to do with the speakers or how to get the girls to leave them along. Mostly when the girls test us by starting to do something they aren't supposed to, like stick their hand in the dirty diaper pail, we try to ignore it so as not to make a game out of it. Well this evening, Freya was creeping around the woofer trying to get her Dad's attention. Chris pretended not to notice in hopes she would lose interest. Instead of losing interest she stood in front of it saying "Stop" and shaking her head "No" at herself. Ok, I'm sure she gets that from me, but I think it is pretty cute that she was telling herself to Stop. I wish I had seen that one. This is one of the reasons I can't imagine going to work full-time and sending the girls to daycare. I go away for a couple hours and I feel like I've missed the world.
And the girl cubs are my world. Sometimes I see them or even think abou them and I think my heart is going to break. It breaks open and I can feel it oozing out just getting bigger and bigger creating more space to love them with. Hmmm, speaking of girl cubs, there is one crying now. It is 1:00am. and they have started waking around this time to cry and then put themselves back to sleep. Sigh. Ahhh, sleep, that hasn't gotten any easier but that is a whole other bean burrito. I better get my tired Mommy butt to bed too if I'm going to get any ZZZZ's sans girls at my breast.
The have such amazing new expressions and ways of communicating now, sly smiles, sideways glances. Freya loves Foxy...LOVES her and wants to poke and prod her at any given moment. Poor Foxy is beside herself with worry. You can see it on her little pointy rat terrier face. Freya runs toward her hands out feeling for Foxy. Foxy retreats. Freya laughs more and runs faster following Foxy around the house. Foxy get skittish and turns to yap and snap at Frey a warning. This makes Frey laugh harder and run faster. It is a viscious cycle. Pablo on the other hand seems to have mellowed tot he girl cubs quite a bit. I think it started when the girls began eating solid food and dropping on the floor for the pups to snack on. The girls now just hold out their crackers and Os for the dogs and then cry when the dogs dare to eat them. To the pups' credit, however, they are both really gentle while taking food from babes. Back to Pablo. He now lets Frey and Ursa crawl all over him. They drape themselves over his body, scratch at his muzzle, grab at his paws and he just lies there. Sometimes he even has a big ol' Pablo grin on his face. I've even seen the girl cubs crawl on him to sit and he barely lifts an eyebrow. Sweet Pablo, you are a good dog. I knew you would take to the girls.
Ursa is still in her habit of taking items from Freya. She has always done that more than Frey. I try to let them figure it all out for themselves. They have started sort of hitting each other when mad, the only thing is, it just makes the other one laugh. Hmmm, wouldn't it be nice if that stayed the reaction? They are both in big fetish mode...these girls love their accessories. Hats....ooh yeah, they love to put stuff on their head. Ursa put her hat on her own head and parades around the house like the cheshire cat, belly sticking out before her. Sometimes she'll even put two hats on her head. The other day she did the cutest thing....She put on her hat as always and then walked around the corner into the dining room. I assumed she was just wandering proudly round the house as always. She returned just a few seconds later carrying the other hat. As she rounded the corner she held the hat out to me. I was on the couch holding Freya. I assumed Ursa wanted me to help her put this other hat on her head too, but instead I decided to put the hat on Frey's head thinking this would probably piss Ursa off. But, no, Ursa smiled the biggest smile and I knew immediately that she brought the hat specifically for Freya so that Sister could wear one too. Ahhh, my smart darlings.
They also LOVE shoes, they always have loved shoes, any kind of shoes, big, small, thong, boot doesn't matter they love it. Only now they try to wear all the shoes, big, small, thong, boot and get angry if the shoe won't stay on their foot. This drives me crazy as I try to show Freya how to hold the thong on by placing its divider between her toes. She always tries to just lift her foot marching milatary style instead of sliding the foot forward and so, of course, the thong flips right off. This makes her yell and hit the air with her hands. They also love to wrap things around their necks. I know, strangulation hazzard, but I let them as long as I'm in the room and it is loose and kind of draped over a shoulder too. And their newest accessory is the toddler sunglasses we bought them to protect their eyes from the TExas sun. They, of course, refuse to really wear them in the sun, but love to wander around the house like Ray Charles on 'shrooms. Speaking of the sun. Today during our morning walk with Daddy and the pups the girls would shreak whenever we passed out of the shade into direct sunlight. Well, I guess they should just wear those sunglasses outside, shouldn't they.
They are both saying more words now. To date Freya has said Daddy (of course), Mama, Up, Stinky, Duck, Ball (while holding a ball without me telling her it was a ball), All Done while signing the All Done sign, Stop and some variation on Pablo. Ursa isn't as verbal as Freya because she is busy developing larger motor skills. Ursa is a our climber supreme. She climbed before she could walk and actually took time off from practicing walking to learn to climb up her highchair. Ursa has said a few words too, though: Daddy (of course), Mama, Up, and Freya mimicking the same sing songy voice in which I was calling Freya. I'm excited about them learing words as my attempts at sign language with them are going slowly. I've been signing to them since they were about nine months. For awhile they would do the milkies sign when they wanted milk, but that stopped. They learned the "All Done" sign too and used that for awhile, then stopped. And then sort of refused to use them even though I know they know them. I guess they found screaming to be a more effective way of communicating. Actually the past couple weeks the signs have returned somewhat. Occasionally "milkies" most the time "All Done" and most recently Freya has been doing her rendition of the sign for "Water", which thankfully they are drinking more of these days. For awhile there they really only liked dairy or soy milk and I would rather reduce their intake of those.
So the girl cubs are spending more Daddy Time these days as I'm now teaching three yoga classes in the evenings. I know it is tiring for Chris, but I also think he enjoys his alone time with the girls. Besides the girls always seem a little better behaved when there is one parent around who is giving them undivided attention. Today he greeted me home from teaching with a smile on his face and that lovely Daddy glint in his eye. He and the girl cubs had played most of the time on the bed. They would pretend to try to escape the bed and he would grab them and toss them down on the mattress making them squeal with glee. They have a game they like to play with him. They sort of hide around a corner or act like they are going toward a room they arent' supposed to be in and when he goes to get them they run from him laughing maniacally. We have speakers in the living room that the girls mess with. We don't know what to do with the speakers or how to get the girls to leave them along. Mostly when the girls test us by starting to do something they aren't supposed to, like stick their hand in the dirty diaper pail, we try to ignore it so as not to make a game out of it. Well this evening, Freya was creeping around the woofer trying to get her Dad's attention. Chris pretended not to notice in hopes she would lose interest. Instead of losing interest she stood in front of it saying "Stop" and shaking her head "No" at herself. Ok, I'm sure she gets that from me, but I think it is pretty cute that she was telling herself to Stop. I wish I had seen that one. This is one of the reasons I can't imagine going to work full-time and sending the girls to daycare. I go away for a couple hours and I feel like I've missed the world.
And the girl cubs are my world. Sometimes I see them or even think abou them and I think my heart is going to break. It breaks open and I can feel it oozing out just getting bigger and bigger creating more space to love them with. Hmmm, speaking of girl cubs, there is one crying now. It is 1:00am. and they have started waking around this time to cry and then put themselves back to sleep. Sigh. Ahhh, sleep, that hasn't gotten any easier but that is a whole other bean burrito. I better get my tired Mommy butt to bed too if I'm going to get any ZZZZ's sans girls at my breast.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
one fish, two fish
Some days are just about perfect. You wake up in the morning, perhaps not expecting much of anything. You may even feel a little cranky, but then you take a deep breath, rub the grit out of your eyes and jump into each moment. The thing is, it isn't even that everything goes rosy and smoothly the whole day. It is just that you allow yourself to enjoy it. Today was one of those days. It was an F day, full, flavorful and fun.
The girls swam for the first time today. I love firsts, and the beautiful thing with having children is you get so many of them. We met friends at Ramsey Park. We were late getting out because the girls decided to take a late nap. Then it took us about an hour to gather all our stuff and get out of the house, which is often the case with twins. Once we arrived at the pool at 11:30, we were told by the lifeguard that the pool was reserved for lap swimming until noon. Harumph, so here we are a little frustrated, does this guy realize what it takes to pack up two babes, rub their wiggling screaming bodies with sun lotion, fit them with diapers and swim diapers and get them to the pool in the first place. Now he is telling us that we and all the other families waiting around cannot swim for thirty minutes so that one, count him, one person can do laps in an empty pool? Ok, take a breath. Don't blame the lifeguard, he is just passing on information. "Hey, Honey there's the park want to swing the girls?" "Hey, this is fun too" the girls giggling as they whoosh back and forth. Ursa barely peeking out from under her sun hat, Freya grabbing for Chris's face. The thirty minutes passes so quickly and before the girls have tired of the park, the pool is open for business.
Ted, Lizzie and Hazel arrive just as we are donning our swimsuits and getting ready to take the girls in for their First Dip in a pool. We slowly step down the stairs leading to the shallow end, careful to move slowly so as not to scare the girls. Ursa in my arms, Freya in her Daddy's. As soon as their little legs touch the cool water, they jerk. Freya gets this look on her face of concern, as if to say "What the Hey?". We ease them in a little more. Ursa pulls her legs up and hangs on to me like she never will when we are walking around the house. A little more, they are both starting to make some sounds of concern now, little mmm mmmm mmmm mmm mmmm, sounds. Finally, we have their full little bodies in the water. The water is a tad cold, but starting to feel warmer. The girls at first clingy and unsure start to warm up to the experience too. At first I just swish Ursa around while she holds on to my torso, then as she starts to feel more comfortable I bring her further away from my body holding her under the arms. Chris does the same with Freya. Ok, there it is a smile, I see it as I trail Ursa from my outstretch arms. I make motorboat sounds and begin speeding her around the pool. This cracks her up. I place her belly down floating on the water supported underneath by my hands and she instintively begins to kick her legs and fling her arms. She is now loving it and so is Sister Love. Chris and I speed the girls past each other bringing them closer together in a swim by. They laugh at seeing each other emmersed in the blue coolness. Ursula tries putting her face down in the water and comes up sputtering but happy. These girls are naturals.
Chris and I switch babies and now I have Freya. She took a little longer to warm up to the pool than Ursa, but now she is moving like an old pro bouncing around in my arms as if to say, "Just let me go, Ma and I'll swim to the other side. I can do it. I can do it." I walk backwards trailing Freya close to me. We have a beautiful moment when we lock eyes and just move as one in the pool. They have such gorgeous brown eyes. And the trust that I can see she feels for me is overwhelming. She would do anything for me as long as I was by her side telling her it was ok. I vow never to betray that trust.
Ted, Lizzie and Hazel are in the pool too and we zoom the girl cubs in towards Hazel who is not so sure she is hip to this gig. Finally, we decide to take a break and all clamber out of the pool and back to our picnic table where we collapse on our towels on the grass. All three girls wander around, exchanging sippy cups, eating each others snacks (the other person's is always better) and climbing on all of us. It is evident immediatly that the girl cubs are a bit on the bossy side, thinking they should have everything. Hazel shares with them nicely. We all decide to meet later at our house to grill and finish the evening together.
Before heading home Chris, the girl cubs and I stop off at Amy's Icecream for lunch and then it is off to napland for the girl cubs. While they sleep Chris goes to get his hair cut and to shop for grillin' supplies. I pull out the pink picnic table that my folks gave the cubs for their first birthday, and which has been scattered in pieces around our house for weeks now. I try to work slowly taking time to read and reread the indecipherable instructions. I finally reach my pentacle of frustration when the instructions tell me to screw the leg braces into the ??? but to make sure that you do not screw the shallow end into it. Now, I'm looking at this cheap piece of wood wondering what shallow might mean to the "They" who wrote these instructions. I turn the piece around and around. I check it against the wood. It fits on both ends. Harumph. I decide to go with the end that looks shallower to me and hope for the best. Ok, now attach that whole thing to the legs. Ok, here I go....um, this isn't working...this should be flush with this piece...this IS THE WRONG END...Oh Sugar, I knew it. I chose the wrong shallow end. Um, guys...the end that you call the shallow end is in fact not the most shallow end. Ok, take a breath. Unscrew it . Rework it. I'm actually quite happy that I have managed to do all of this without yelling, without getting disheveled, and without cursing. Hey Hey, look at me. Now if I could only find a short Phillip's head screwdriver we would be in business. Ok, no short screwdriver so I make due with what I have and after about an hour of all this....Ta Dum, one pink child's picnic table replete with sun umbrella. Cute. I mean the picnic table is pink not the child...though my babies sometimes look pink and I call them the pinky twinkies. It is sort of like that song "One eyed, one horn flying purple people eater" I always thought it meant he ate purple people and I would imagine the lives of said aubergine prey, but I digress.
So everyone arrives for the grillin' and the cubs are in rare bossiness form, especially Ursa. She is after everything that Hazel picks up and as soon as she gets it, she throws it aside for the next thing Hazel has laid her hands on. Still, all three seem to be enjoying the company. At one point Lizzie had them all on the piano bench banging on the keys. I think Hazel felt a little crowded as she kept going back to the piano throughout the night looking for an opportunity to get it all to herself. She is an only child, but not for long as Lizzie is cozy with child.
We take them all into the backyard to play with beach balls which they do for a short period of time, but abandon that to more dangerous pursuits. At one point Freya is practically swinging from the lawn mower, um...honey, see that sticker? It says DANGER. Yep, I know you can't read yet, but let's move away from the metal thing with blades. Ursa is picking on the tomato plants, which she loves to attack and trying to eat rocks (her favorite snack). Hazel, much better at self-preservation, rides the Radio Flyer Roadster around while Ursa isn't noticing. We drag the new pink picnic table outdoors for them all to sit at and they love it, all sitting there like big little girls eating pasta and swinging their legs. Ok, this is cuteness incarnate. Seriously, I can't believe that the cubs have been earthside only a year and Hazel a year and a half. Wow.
After we all decide to move inside to partake of our grillin' feast I look to the picnic table to call Ursa. She has crawled on top of the table (she climbs on everything and could climb way before she could walk) She is perched on the tabletop on her knees. Her face is serious, her hands hang by her sides, the evening sunlight contours her face. She scans the backyard as if it say, "This is my domain. I am master." I'm thrilled once again to be watching two humans grow and develop. It takes my breath away.
We all sit down to the table, girl cubs in their highchairs, Hazel on Lizzie's lap. I must admit, I feel a little guilty as I watch the cubs gobble down all the big people I throw on their trays: chicken, steak, cherry tomatoes, green and red peppers, pineapple, bread, peaches, onions. Ted look at them and says, "Wow, they really do eat pretty much anything." Hazel, on the other hand is a very picky eater. Ted says that french fries make up about 80% of her diet. She just won't eat much of anything else. No meat, no vegetables, no fruit really. We saw her eat pasta, bread, and a couple of cranraisins. I feel really guilty when I think about how Lizzie shared Hazel's pasta with them because the grillin' was taking too long. I didn't even think about it at the time, but that was all the food Hazel would have and here was Lizzie giving it to my foodmonsters. Lizzie, is an angel. Well, I think. "At least Hazel naps, my girls strongly dislike napping. So I guess we're all even"
After, we've cleaned up, bayed the Glick Gang, Goodnight and popped our bathed and pooped cubs into bed. Chris and I wrap our arms around each other. "I had fun with you today, My Wife." Chris says to me. Ah, yes...me too. A perfect day. Then I think. Gee everyday with these cubs is a perfect day, whether I'm tearing my hair out, or having "Gogol Hour" where I dance madly with the girls to fun music...Everyday is perfect. I kiss Chris and take a breath.
The girls swam for the first time today. I love firsts, and the beautiful thing with having children is you get so many of them. We met friends at Ramsey Park. We were late getting out because the girls decided to take a late nap. Then it took us about an hour to gather all our stuff and get out of the house, which is often the case with twins. Once we arrived at the pool at 11:30, we were told by the lifeguard that the pool was reserved for lap swimming until noon. Harumph, so here we are a little frustrated, does this guy realize what it takes to pack up two babes, rub their wiggling screaming bodies with sun lotion, fit them with diapers and swim diapers and get them to the pool in the first place. Now he is telling us that we and all the other families waiting around cannot swim for thirty minutes so that one, count him, one person can do laps in an empty pool? Ok, take a breath. Don't blame the lifeguard, he is just passing on information. "Hey, Honey there's the park want to swing the girls?" "Hey, this is fun too" the girls giggling as they whoosh back and forth. Ursa barely peeking out from under her sun hat, Freya grabbing for Chris's face. The thirty minutes passes so quickly and before the girls have tired of the park, the pool is open for business.
Ted, Lizzie and Hazel arrive just as we are donning our swimsuits and getting ready to take the girls in for their First Dip in a pool. We slowly step down the stairs leading to the shallow end, careful to move slowly so as not to scare the girls. Ursa in my arms, Freya in her Daddy's. As soon as their little legs touch the cool water, they jerk. Freya gets this look on her face of concern, as if to say "What the Hey?". We ease them in a little more. Ursa pulls her legs up and hangs on to me like she never will when we are walking around the house. A little more, they are both starting to make some sounds of concern now, little mmm mmmm mmmm mmm mmmm, sounds. Finally, we have their full little bodies in the water. The water is a tad cold, but starting to feel warmer. The girls at first clingy and unsure start to warm up to the experience too. At first I just swish Ursa around while she holds on to my torso, then as she starts to feel more comfortable I bring her further away from my body holding her under the arms. Chris does the same with Freya. Ok, there it is a smile, I see it as I trail Ursa from my outstretch arms. I make motorboat sounds and begin speeding her around the pool. This cracks her up. I place her belly down floating on the water supported underneath by my hands and she instintively begins to kick her legs and fling her arms. She is now loving it and so is Sister Love. Chris and I speed the girls past each other bringing them closer together in a swim by. They laugh at seeing each other emmersed in the blue coolness. Ursula tries putting her face down in the water and comes up sputtering but happy. These girls are naturals.
Chris and I switch babies and now I have Freya. She took a little longer to warm up to the pool than Ursa, but now she is moving like an old pro bouncing around in my arms as if to say, "Just let me go, Ma and I'll swim to the other side. I can do it. I can do it." I walk backwards trailing Freya close to me. We have a beautiful moment when we lock eyes and just move as one in the pool. They have such gorgeous brown eyes. And the trust that I can see she feels for me is overwhelming. She would do anything for me as long as I was by her side telling her it was ok. I vow never to betray that trust.
Ted, Lizzie and Hazel are in the pool too and we zoom the girl cubs in towards Hazel who is not so sure she is hip to this gig. Finally, we decide to take a break and all clamber out of the pool and back to our picnic table where we collapse on our towels on the grass. All three girls wander around, exchanging sippy cups, eating each others snacks (the other person's is always better) and climbing on all of us. It is evident immediatly that the girl cubs are a bit on the bossy side, thinking they should have everything. Hazel shares with them nicely. We all decide to meet later at our house to grill and finish the evening together.
Before heading home Chris, the girl cubs and I stop off at Amy's Icecream for lunch and then it is off to napland for the girl cubs. While they sleep Chris goes to get his hair cut and to shop for grillin' supplies. I pull out the pink picnic table that my folks gave the cubs for their first birthday, and which has been scattered in pieces around our house for weeks now. I try to work slowly taking time to read and reread the indecipherable instructions. I finally reach my pentacle of frustration when the instructions tell me to screw the leg braces into the ??? but to make sure that you do not screw the shallow end into it. Now, I'm looking at this cheap piece of wood wondering what shallow might mean to the "They" who wrote these instructions. I turn the piece around and around. I check it against the wood. It fits on both ends. Harumph. I decide to go with the end that looks shallower to me and hope for the best. Ok, now attach that whole thing to the legs. Ok, here I go....um, this isn't working...this should be flush with this piece...this IS THE WRONG END...Oh Sugar, I knew it. I chose the wrong shallow end. Um, guys...the end that you call the shallow end is in fact not the most shallow end. Ok, take a breath. Unscrew it . Rework it. I'm actually quite happy that I have managed to do all of this without yelling, without getting disheveled, and without cursing. Hey Hey, look at me. Now if I could only find a short Phillip's head screwdriver we would be in business. Ok, no short screwdriver so I make due with what I have and after about an hour of all this....Ta Dum, one pink child's picnic table replete with sun umbrella. Cute. I mean the picnic table is pink not the child...though my babies sometimes look pink and I call them the pinky twinkies. It is sort of like that song "One eyed, one horn flying purple people eater" I always thought it meant he ate purple people and I would imagine the lives of said aubergine prey, but I digress.
So everyone arrives for the grillin' and the cubs are in rare bossiness form, especially Ursa. She is after everything that Hazel picks up and as soon as she gets it, she throws it aside for the next thing Hazel has laid her hands on. Still, all three seem to be enjoying the company. At one point Lizzie had them all on the piano bench banging on the keys. I think Hazel felt a little crowded as she kept going back to the piano throughout the night looking for an opportunity to get it all to herself. She is an only child, but not for long as Lizzie is cozy with child.
We take them all into the backyard to play with beach balls which they do for a short period of time, but abandon that to more dangerous pursuits. At one point Freya is practically swinging from the lawn mower, um...honey, see that sticker? It says DANGER. Yep, I know you can't read yet, but let's move away from the metal thing with blades. Ursa is picking on the tomato plants, which she loves to attack and trying to eat rocks (her favorite snack). Hazel, much better at self-preservation, rides the Radio Flyer Roadster around while Ursa isn't noticing. We drag the new pink picnic table outdoors for them all to sit at and they love it, all sitting there like big little girls eating pasta and swinging their legs. Ok, this is cuteness incarnate. Seriously, I can't believe that the cubs have been earthside only a year and Hazel a year and a half. Wow.
After we all decide to move inside to partake of our grillin' feast I look to the picnic table to call Ursa. She has crawled on top of the table (she climbs on everything and could climb way before she could walk) She is perched on the tabletop on her knees. Her face is serious, her hands hang by her sides, the evening sunlight contours her face. She scans the backyard as if it say, "This is my domain. I am master." I'm thrilled once again to be watching two humans grow and develop. It takes my breath away.
We all sit down to the table, girl cubs in their highchairs, Hazel on Lizzie's lap. I must admit, I feel a little guilty as I watch the cubs gobble down all the big people I throw on their trays: chicken, steak, cherry tomatoes, green and red peppers, pineapple, bread, peaches, onions. Ted look at them and says, "Wow, they really do eat pretty much anything." Hazel, on the other hand is a very picky eater. Ted says that french fries make up about 80% of her diet. She just won't eat much of anything else. No meat, no vegetables, no fruit really. We saw her eat pasta, bread, and a couple of cranraisins. I feel really guilty when I think about how Lizzie shared Hazel's pasta with them because the grillin' was taking too long. I didn't even think about it at the time, but that was all the food Hazel would have and here was Lizzie giving it to my foodmonsters. Lizzie, is an angel. Well, I think. "At least Hazel naps, my girls strongly dislike napping. So I guess we're all even"
After, we've cleaned up, bayed the Glick Gang, Goodnight and popped our bathed and pooped cubs into bed. Chris and I wrap our arms around each other. "I had fun with you today, My Wife." Chris says to me. Ah, yes...me too. A perfect day. Then I think. Gee everyday with these cubs is a perfect day, whether I'm tearing my hair out, or having "Gogol Hour" where I dance madly with the girls to fun music...Everyday is perfect. I kiss Chris and take a breath.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
My Day Now
Happy Mother's Day to me and Happy Birthday to my girl cubs. So, the girl cubs have turned a year old. Wow, that cliche about time flying...well it is true. I remember when we first brought them home and it was so so hard and I thought..."Ugh, a year...that is forever. How are we going to make it?" And it really seemed so far off and the time seemed to be moving so slowly. And now that we are on the other side of it, it seems to have whisked by as if yesterday I was snuggling these two tiny babes in my arms. Clumsily trying to nurse, fumbling to pick them both up at the same time, crying because I just didn't see how I was going to survive days by myself caring for two babies without help or a break.
I still wonder some days how I"m going to survie by myself caring for two babies, but somehow we make it through and they are big and walking and gorgeous and I now can pick them both up without any problems, just one scoop of the arms. And I can also nurse them both no problems and even wish some days that I hadn't gotten so good at it because they can be little titty monsters. I look back at this year and know I've never been through anything so difficult, so sublime.
Sometimes I look at those two crazy girls and am struck by how miraculous it is that I created them. My body created those two beings. They started out as an egg that I would previously suppress monthly and some sperm that usually pooped out because it had no destination and bing bam boom, two beautful glowing girls, full of energy and pizazz and mania. Full of life. It blows my mind. And I see photos of myself big and heavy pregnant with them and I'm so proud of me, that I carried two babies at once. Look, there...inside of me two babies. Where did I put them? Fully baked and ready to go, put your helmets on, buckle your seatbelt WE ARE OFF. And now they topple along, walking stiff and bow legged, their little elblows bent and hands up by their sides for balance, bellies poking out in front so determined to explore everything.
Oh, the joy they express when they are delighted with something. Oh the agony they express when they are mad and frustrated. And it changes in a second, one from another like a mad Le Coquian game. So complete in their emotional response. Their smiles oh their smiles. They have the sparkle and the shine those two. Yesterday we set up the sprinkler for them in the back yard for the first time. Martin and Liz were over visiting and we stripped the girl cubs of their clothes and set them loose in the water. They shreaked and laughed hobbling along as fast as they could through the water, "running" from the drops of water as they splashed across their backs. Their smiles were huge, beeming brighter than the sun. You couldn't even see their eyes they were smiling so much. Little naked babies waddling around, falling in the dirt and wet grass covered in debri, loving every second. It was one of the most joyous sights I"ve ever experienced. Freya would sneak up towards the sprinkler and laugh and look at me as the water splashed. She would be a little tentative and then waddle away as fast as she could only to return again drawn in by this new sensory experience. Ursula would jolt along with cheer dripping from her face loving the outdoor nakedness, taking time out to explore the bar-b-que grill nearby. When Chris picked them up to hold them over the sprinkler so as to clean their nethers from the dirt and grass they were mucking about in, they would both kick and goof and laugh full belly laughs. They thought it was all hilariously funny. After we finished they were head to toe in filth from the lawn so we plopped them into an early bath and aftwards all played on the piano. They love music and will bounce up and down pudgy knees bending in time to the music or swaying back and forth like Stevie Wonder in concert.
Hmmm, so lovely so tiring. Speaking of tiring. I am. So off to bed soon, but I am a very happy mommy. Even though the girls are sleeping poorly again. They are happy and healthy and that makes it all ok. I am stong and mighty, each day we are all learning more and more about each other, we will survive and not only survive, we will thrive.
I still wonder some days how I"m going to survie by myself caring for two babies, but somehow we make it through and they are big and walking and gorgeous and I now can pick them both up without any problems, just one scoop of the arms. And I can also nurse them both no problems and even wish some days that I hadn't gotten so good at it because they can be little titty monsters. I look back at this year and know I've never been through anything so difficult, so sublime.
Sometimes I look at those two crazy girls and am struck by how miraculous it is that I created them. My body created those two beings. They started out as an egg that I would previously suppress monthly and some sperm that usually pooped out because it had no destination and bing bam boom, two beautful glowing girls, full of energy and pizazz and mania. Full of life. It blows my mind. And I see photos of myself big and heavy pregnant with them and I'm so proud of me, that I carried two babies at once. Look, there...inside of me two babies. Where did I put them? Fully baked and ready to go, put your helmets on, buckle your seatbelt WE ARE OFF. And now they topple along, walking stiff and bow legged, their little elblows bent and hands up by their sides for balance, bellies poking out in front so determined to explore everything.
Oh, the joy they express when they are delighted with something. Oh the agony they express when they are mad and frustrated. And it changes in a second, one from another like a mad Le Coquian game. So complete in their emotional response. Their smiles oh their smiles. They have the sparkle and the shine those two. Yesterday we set up the sprinkler for them in the back yard for the first time. Martin and Liz were over visiting and we stripped the girl cubs of their clothes and set them loose in the water. They shreaked and laughed hobbling along as fast as they could through the water, "running" from the drops of water as they splashed across their backs. Their smiles were huge, beeming brighter than the sun. You couldn't even see their eyes they were smiling so much. Little naked babies waddling around, falling in the dirt and wet grass covered in debri, loving every second. It was one of the most joyous sights I"ve ever experienced. Freya would sneak up towards the sprinkler and laugh and look at me as the water splashed. She would be a little tentative and then waddle away as fast as she could only to return again drawn in by this new sensory experience. Ursula would jolt along with cheer dripping from her face loving the outdoor nakedness, taking time out to explore the bar-b-que grill nearby. When Chris picked them up to hold them over the sprinkler so as to clean their nethers from the dirt and grass they were mucking about in, they would both kick and goof and laugh full belly laughs. They thought it was all hilariously funny. After we finished they were head to toe in filth from the lawn so we plopped them into an early bath and aftwards all played on the piano. They love music and will bounce up and down pudgy knees bending in time to the music or swaying back and forth like Stevie Wonder in concert.
Hmmm, so lovely so tiring. Speaking of tiring. I am. So off to bed soon, but I am a very happy mommy. Even though the girls are sleeping poorly again. They are happy and healthy and that makes it all ok. I am stong and mighty, each day we are all learning more and more about each other, we will survive and not only survive, we will thrive.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Yippee, finally created this thing
My first post, I'll keep it short as it is time for bed and the girl cubs will be up before I know it ready to latch on the teet. But I couldn't resist blogging something. Chris is hot on the trail of a new and fancy digital camera because I am tired of our little point and shoot and the lack of control. We're photographers, let's actually get a digital that allows us to be photographers, please. We have about eight still and moving image cameras between the two of us and one lousy little digital. I'm ready for the big guns so that I can shoot those goofy gooses, known as my daughters. Speaking of which, they will be up before I know it ready to latch on the teet. Oh yeah.
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