Pumpkins and Purna

It is past midnight. I should be sleeping, but I am trying to post more often. My dear friend, Amanda, reminds me. We are two days til Halloween. My favorite holiday. Texas is finally experiencing some coolish weather and with that coolness my fire, about which I've blogged, has cooled. This fire cooling is a good thing. It means I feel exhilarated with all the possibilities that the transition to fall holds. I see orange pumpkins all around. I adore the effect of pumpkins all around. They make everything appear more jolly, all round and fat or tall and skinny and now all the new/old varieties around bumpy and green, white and smooth, warty blue... My house is my solace once again, all cozy with family. We finally hung photos/prints on the walls and wow, what a difference that makes. Hey, someone with a life lives here. I've decided blank walls are no good for a family home. The blank walls are like static on a radio station. You don't always notice it at first, but when you do you realize it has been grating on your nerves all this time. We also have little glowing lights, candles, fires in the backyard with s'mores. Our Harvest Potluck was a smashing success. A nice even stream of people with their kids throughout the night. A large group gathered around the fire making the s'mores. Dearest Amanda so graciously playing S'more Wench/Maven. Chris and Hutch made gumbo again and strung the backyard with lights and glowing stars, perfect at dark for the kiddies to play under. So magical. The whole house looked magical and romantic, all reds and organges and flowers. Sigh. Oh, I am still blissed out about it all. And the next day was so yummy just hangin' with the family. The cubs were up late so they were really tired and we all just cuddled on the couch all day talking or watching movies...Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Nightmare Before Christmas.

The cubs and I are having so much fun running around, decorating for the holidays, taking hayrides, painting pumpkins, watching goats climb trees, eating pumpkin icecream. I'm busy putting together their costumes for Friday. Freya: ladybug. Ursula: butterfly or fairy the costume will work for both. I put them together as best I can from stuff we already have and then fill in the rest with items I make or pick up second-hand. I loath Target-esque costumes and just can't bring myself to go that route. It is so much more joyful to Frankenstein it all together, pun intended.

Things I'm lovin right now other than pumpkins and cooler weather: The dancing of the girls. Today Ursa piled on a bunch of costume clothes and looked like a gypsy fairy waving her arms with grace and fluidity. Freya had on a costume outfit making her look like a little Dutch girl. Hearing them sing little made up songs when they think no one is listening. Me talking to Freya sternly the other day (I don't love that, but do love Freya's response) She said in her most placating voice, "You don't have to yell. You don't have to yell. It's gonna be all right, Darling." And then she bent over kissed me and hugged my neck. The way they both just crack each other up by saying the word "Poopy" How the name "Bad Poopoo" is the worse thing they can say to each other and causes big tears. When they call me "Bad Poopoo" which makes me crack up and then they crack up...all tension gone. The way Freya says "Nicelies" instead of "Nicies" when I rub her back. How they love for us to tell made up stories (though, sometimes this gets old for me, especially when I'm driving) How they love to interject their own parts of the story now, whereas before they just let me tell them the story. The way Freya's little tongue sticks out when she says certain words/sounds giving her just the slightest lisp at times. The way Ursa always talks with her head cocked and one hand on her hip. Oh there is so much more, but i must to bed get.

In Sanskrit there is the word Purna or Fullness. That is the best word for this season, for this family, for this life. Yummy Yummy Scrumptious Family. Round and Sweet like a Pumpkin Treat.

My Little Gurus

I just returned from a screening of "Orgasmic Birth" and I want to write a few comments before I forget. First of all, the film was mostly lovely but definitely should not be called "Orgasmic Birth". What I really want to keep sight of, however, is the need for more images of ecstatic beautiful hospital births and even more importantly Cesarean Births. I realize our country has gone cuckoo with interventions and our work still needs to be to shift that energy. But I also think we cannot fight fear with fear. The medical establishment throws fear at expectant parents about the dangers of home births and then we throw more fear at parents about medical interventions. All of a sudden ALL Cesarean Births become bad, and when shown on film, something that everyone gasps at and seems horrified by. Well, you know what? Babies can be born in beautiful Cesarean births. Maybe it isn't the norm, but we need to show people that possibility too.

One pregnant mama in the audience said that she thought she would have a hospital birth because she was scared of a home birth. After seeing the show, she said now she is scared of a hospital birth too. In her words, "Now I don't know where to birth." There are some moms who just don't feel safe birthing at home, they feel safe and protected in the hospital so we need to acknowledge that too and show that they can still have that ecstatic birth there. How can we make all births sacred? That is still my prenatal teacher credo. I think parents need to be informed of the dangers of medical interventions and I think they need to see the possibility of beautiful home births. I believe in birthing at home. But I don't believe in fear-mongering. Fear is NOT the answer. Trust in our bodies and our babies is the answer. We have to trust and know ourselves deeply so that we know when an intervention is necessary and when it isn't. So that we can fully embrace whatever birth we get. That way if a baby needs to be born via Cesarean we can accept that perhaps that is the babies own path and journey. This has reinvigorated me to bring that message to my mamas in my class. To empower them to seek the higher thought. Release the Fear. Embrace and Trust your baby.

And that being said, the other issue I really walked away with tonight was the need for the loving and respectful handling of babies at birth. Babies need to be supported. Not flopped around like this week's fish. This gentle treatment of babies as they come earthside can be done in Cesarean births too. The babies can be gently pulled out, place directly on mamas chest and left there the whole time. That is my biggest regret from the girls birth. If there is anything about their birth that can still bring me to tears it is that. I accept my birth now, but I felt like they were pulled out, hauled off in a corner and then taken away from me before I could get my wits about me. Then they were taken to a cold bright nursery where they were rubbed vigorously and poked by strange hands, wailing their little lungs out. I have the photos. It is horrible but I keep them because I don't want them to have suffered in vain. If there is one thing I could do, if even for one baby, is to get the message across that it doesn't have to be that way. I waited two hours before I even got to see them again and then when we tried to nurse there were attendants and midwife hands roughly pushing the babies on to my breasts trying to get them to latch. Damn, no wonder the poor darlings had a hard time nursing at first. I wouldn't want to eat either if someone was shoving my face into my mashed potatoes. And the thing of it is, I knew better. I studied birthing, I was knowledgeable in the process, I knew more than most mamas going into it and I was still co-opted. Just think of how most parents don't stand a chance against that treatment. The unknown can be so scary to us that we give over our power. It is time to regain it. Once again to trust ourselves, to trust our voices and to know what we want so that we can make it happen.

I feel that perhaps I should get trained in doing birth education so that I can bring my own personal perspective into it. I think I have a somewhat unique one. When there is a gathering like tonight I am always the person talking about the need for sacred Cesarean Births. So many people just want to gloss over it as a horrible procedure..or with the medical establishment, a life-saving procedure...but no one ever talks about how it can be beautiful too.

I also want to focus on support for the mother after the birth. And support for the family unit during the first year. We need our village back. How do we make that happen? Anyway, thoughts for me. I know I can be of use. I heard myself speak tonight to a room full of strangers and I know I have something to say that is worth hearing. That was a nice thing to learn. Another reason I'm grateful for the birth of my girls. Wahe Guru!

Cooling

What makes my learned patterns/habits so strong that they can completely annihilate my truest heart's desires in a nanosecond? How is it that I work so hard most days to tame the pacing beast only to have it bite off my hands the next? How can I look at my children one minute and see their complete and utter gorgeous humanity and the next minute throw myself into a tantrum of greatest proportions flinging stories in my head about how I need this or that, which boils down to control, and not seeing them before me at all? I never realized having children would challenge all my preconceived notions. Oh, I gave lip service to how I was sure it would be challenging, but surely I never imagined that I could seethe with such fury at two beings whom I love more than my own life. I always come back to this. I think about it a lot. That closeness that perceiving them as part of me and me as a part of them is in fact what enables us to sometimes not see the forest for the trees...or, hell, not even see the trees at all. But then the fire up my spine cools and once more before me they are standing, Ursula and Freya and we hug and say "Friends" again and they receive me without reservation and I do the same for them, and I give their backs "nicies" little light finger rubs that send shivers along your skin and they snuggle in close to me one on each side with my arms wrapped underneath them just like they have done since day one and I know that we are all meant for each other. Fully, deliciously meant for each other. They fling themselves at their crazy mom as she sometimes flings herself at the world and we all land in one big messy heap, but we still know how to laugh fully in our bellies and we still know how to reach for each other when the world encroaches too much. And I thank The Beloved for every single day we celebrate and every single breath we share. Loving and yelling and hooting and hollering, crying and dancing, dressing up twirling our skirts, hanging like monkeys, crawling around on hands and knees...praying...Being...Together.

Dreams

I'm back. I know, a long absence as always. But really, this time I mean it. I'm going to blog on this thing at least once a week. Have I said this before? Do I believe me? Anyway, I'm going to try to do short posts that take no time. So here it goes.



I love my family. No really, I lovvvvvvve! my family. The girlcubs are funnier and feistier than ever. This weekend we had such a great time. Saturday, especially. I woke up grumpy...Well, surprise surprise. And so around 11am My Honey suggested we bike to lunch. So loaded up the cubs in the new fancy Burley bike trailer and headed out. We were going to go to Kerby Lane but changed our minds and went to Blue Star Cafe instead. Chris and I drank grapefruit mimosas, I highly recommend, and the girls actually ate food. Oh and then cupcakes, strawberry with pink frosting. They've been a little picky lately. Then we decided to bake bread together, recipe from "The Tassajara Bread Book", and so we biked even further to Wheatsville Food Coop. We were biking fools. I love being a bike commuter family. Seriously. It is so grand to travel all around your town and not use one drop of gasoline. So satisfying. So empowering.

Once home we all got our hands dirty mixing some dough. I love the feel of dough. Forget using spoons I'm all about being elbow deep. My Honey is so patient with me. I really want to learn to cook and bake better, he typically does that in our house. I know lucky lady, me. We gave the cubs their own little balls of dough to use at will. And when it was all over we had some mighty tasty wheat bread to enjoy. And smashed dough on the rug. Sigh. This is living.



Some funny/cute doings/talkings of the cubs lately.
Last night, Ursula and Freya both woke up crying at different times about their dreams. Freya, crying: Daddy threw away my sister's grub (they've been digging in the garden and finding grubs lately) He threw it away. We had two grubs and now we have only one grub. He threw it in the trashcan. " More crying, truly broken hearted. No grubs were harmed, I promise.
Ursula, crying: "you didn't brush my teeth. You didn't brush my teeth." Me: "Honey, yes, we did. We brushed your teeth before bed." Ursa, still crying: "No, we didn't brush my teeth." Me: do you want me to brush them now?" I go get the toothbrush and do a quick brush. Ursa falls immediately back to sleep. Hey, am I raising some responsible girls or what?

They've been having the funniest conversations lately, but right now I don't remember one of them. Oh well, this post is long enough already. Tomorrow My Honey heads back to Costa Rica for work. He will be missed. Though, he'll only be gone three and a half days. That is usually enough time for me to think, "wow, this is so nice not having another person to pick up after. Maybe I should just have my own house and Chris and the girls can come and visit it from time to time"...And then slightly long enough for me to then go, "Hey, wait. I miss My Honey. I miss our conversations and sharing little details of our days. I miss his kisses. I want him back." Yes, that is normally how it goes.

Ok, night night. I must go wrap my loving arms around my man. Oh, yeah. I guess that post wasn't so short. Damn.

Bittersweet

Big Day

Today I made a big step for me. I dropped the cubs off at a part-time preschool program on the East side of town. I say it was a big step because it is what I've been needing and dreading at the same time. I've never really asked for help with the girls and part of me feels like I failed somehow because I can't do this 24/7. Part of me rejoices at finally getting a little time for me back. I plan on letting them both go four days a week for a couple of weeks and then I will start taking one with me on Mondays and one with me on Tuesdays so that I can have some one on one Mama time with each of them. They were excited. As soon as we arrived at the Pan Am Center they jumped out of the car and grabbed their bags. They have been talking a lot about the teacher's four-year-old daughter, Matilda, whom they met when we went to check the center out. I dropped them off in the classroom and as I was leaving they just bopped over to me, planted a kiss on my lips and said "Ok, bye Mom!" No big deal. Just like that. Though, it doesn't surprise me, they have always been so comfortable with new situations and surroundings. I feel blessed to have such flexible children. I like to think I had a little something to do with that. I think this will be a good change for us. They need some time away from Mama. Mama needs some time and they both need some time away from each other. I trust it will make us all a little more sane. They fill my heart to overflowing. I love them so desperately and yet can rage so hard with anger because of them. No one has ever effected me this way. I saw a quote the other day that I loved. It said "Making the decision to have a child--It is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." I couldn't agree more. Bittersweet, indeed.

A Little Coffee with your Kindness?

I'm having thoughts this evening about how to raise kind children. How to be kind myself, how to spread kindness in the world. I had an incident a week ago that really made me think about this. The cubs and I went to Pacha for breakfast. I have been going to Pacha semi-regularly for around four years. I bought food and coffee and sat down to eat with the girls. While there U and F started getting really excited and running around my table and doing that happy screechy little girl sound. Now, I realize it is a small coffee house and that people are trying to study or talk or....So I asked the girls to stop and when they didn't I got down on one knee and put my arms around each of them to talk to them and ask explain to them why loud noises were best reserved for outside the coffee shop. As I was trying to talk to the girls the owner of the shop started saying loudly to me from behind the counter "You can't scream in here like that, they can't scream in here, they can't scream in here." She kept saying it over and over as if I was an idiot or lackey mother letting my children run around wild. Taking absolutely no notice that I was down on my knees trying to talk to my girls about the situation she came out from around the counter still chanting her refrain "You can't scream in here like that" Yeah, really lady..."Hey you notice me down trying to talk to my children." She loomed over us with her arms folded looking at me as if scolding me. I was so angry and dumbfounded all I could do was look at her like she was crazy. Seriously there are several ways she could have handled that situation and she chose the most ridiculous and unkind one. She could have noticed that the mother was trying to deal with it and instead of scolding us, come over and talked to us like we are human beings. Instead of looming over the girls, she could have gotten down to their level. She could have conveyed the same message with a soft unaccusing tone. Then she would have maintained me as a customer. I'm not a customer who goes in and nurses one coffee for two hours. I buy food and am usually out immediately. I'm just so tired of how anti-children our society really is. Even other parents do it. Looking at other people's children who may be making a little noise as if they are hooligans. The same people who would never bat an eye at a table of loud laughing adults, send dirty looks to a table of joyfully giggling children. What have adults forgotten that they were children once? Is it that difficult to stop and assess a situation and your reaction to it? I am making it my commitment to cultivating the ability to see things from anothers perspective in myself and my children. I will start by giving the owner of Pacha the benefit of the doubt...perhaps she had a bad day, her dog died, her boyfriend left her and she closed her finger in the door...I know we all react poorly sometimes. But I will definitely keep this event as a reminder in my heart that a little kindness can go a long long way. And kindness costs less than a latte.

The monsters in my closet

My Photoshop has been wonky and I finally got it fixed. So this post is late, because I wanted to get my photos together. Halloween was incredible. The cubs insisted that they were SCARY monsters not funny monsters. They roared and nashed their teeth. They are enthralled with the idea of monsters right now...going through a bit of fear of the dark. So when they start to worry about monsters mommy just gobbles them up and the monsters go into my belly. The cubs think this is just hilarious...monsters in mommy's belly, come on. It works every time to quell their fears. Chris and I dressed as the kids whose closets these "scary" monsters live in.

They loved trick-or-treating, but even more so loved the chocolate. We gave them a little candy each day until the chocolate was gone. They didn't really care for the other candies, but oh the chocolate. Ursula would smile a glowing grin, nod her head and say most emphatically "I want chocolate. I want chocolate."

Now they still pretend they are trick-or-treating with their daddy, knocking on the bedroom door, opening it and yelling "Trick-or-treat in their lovely sing-songy voices. They have also moved onto a different kind of chocolate...Hot Chocolate. Yum. This is one of their mommy's favorites too so I understand the obsession. We have it every morning now for breakfast.

The weekend before Halloween we also had a huge Harvest Party Potluck. I think around fifty or so people joined us...yikes. The house was packed and cozy. We also had a fire in the backyard with s'mores. There were so many children running around that some of the adults looked a little perplexed...yet nothing went astray. The cubs were excited and overwhelmed. At one point Freya crawled into bed surrounded by a room full of jumping yelling children, and sat there in a bit of a daze. All she could muster was a quiet "No shoes on the bed" refrain that went mostly unheaded. At the end of the night Ursula did have a melt-down...just too tired poor Bear, but that was the extent of it. Pretty good for that many people and that many children packed into one house together all evening. It was festive and chaotic...just like our family. Ah, I love this time of year.

Harvest Moons

Fall in theory is upon us. I chose the above photo of the cubs from Samhain last year because it really expresses my feelings at this time of year. I become wistful and a bit melancholy in a nice turning- inward sort of way. The summer is waning and days of splashing in brightly colored swimming pools are passing away, yet we are still here ready for the transformation continuing to grow, love and celebrate.
This is my favorite time of the year and I'm always ready to soak every bit of it up through my breath, through my cells. Especially since Autumn does not last long in our land. My mind turns to all the beauty and bounty that we have harvested this year. The cubs are so strong and full of life. I still cannot believe I gave birth to these two willful intoxicating gypsy children. I try to remember how much I love these qualities in them even as I am tired from wrangling them all day. I do not want to break their spirits or somehow make them obedient. I just want to continue to revel in their freedom... and be a partner to them...and learn from them. They have so much to teach me...I can see it when I look in their eyes...or perhaps not to teach me, but to remind me. We dance together in this life and I can feel the warm energy that is shared between us, filling up the space that I hope will never be empty. They are my two full-bellied harvest moons. Their light and magnetism creates my tides. Without them I am only salt water.

I am blessed with my Honey, Chris. His open heart and unflinching devotion keep me sane. This quality reminds me so much of my own loving father and my own heart almost bursts because I never realized I could have someone as dedicated to me as my father is to my mother. I am astounded by how selfless he can be when it comes to the cubs and me. Once he told me with tears shining in his eyes that this family is what he has always dreamed about. I'm putting energy out this year for the two of us to spend more one on one time together reconnecting as husband and wife, not just parents.

Now I wait for the weather to grow coolor as the days grow shorter. I feel all dreamy and floaty thinking of pumpkins and cider and fires out in the garden, sweaters and boots and cozy scarves and hats; red cheeks and noses with that slightly damp feel, bare branches and crisp piles of leaves, the starkness of nature, the drawing in, the cuddles under blankets, hot soup with crusty bread, hot buttered rum, the allure of staying inside with books, the smell in the air of earth swept clean by wind, the gray of skies with occasional bright blue warm days (this is Texas after all), wrapping babes in arms and whispering stories of persephone and demeter in their ears. Yum, yum, yum...I ache with the joy of it all. Yes, my love, I agree, this is the family I always dreamed of. I want to scoop you all up and serve you with honey and roasted nuts, my family... so delicious. You, the cubs, the dogs and me...full, round, complete and blessed by this Harvest Moon.

Disguised Perfection

Hand, Toes, Paw
Originally uploaded by Bear Woman

It is 11pm and the cubs are in their darkened room sleeping side by side on their new big-girl bed. Chris is at the studio and I am sitting in the delicious silence. I think about the cubs and I want to run to them and lay my cheek against theirs and breathe in their sleepy warm scent.

Yet, life with them has been a struggle lately. They are two spirited children, thank goodness, but oh it is exhausting me. I am realizing that part of the problem is my reaction to them and my inability to accept reality. The reality is that they are two and a half years old, exploring, living fully, investigating all the ends and outs of their bodies, our home, their world. They also are not logical creatures right now. Trying to use logic and rhetoric on them does not work yet. Trying to make them understand how tired Mommy is or how much Mommy wants something is ludicrous. They are in a "ME" centered age and I need to come to terms with that. I think that sometimes Chris and I expect them to understand things and communicate beyond their years and that just isn't fair to them.









I spoke with Dayna Martin, the radical unschooling mentor I called a couple months ago. It is always so lovely to talk to her because her words kind of shake me out of my victim "woe is me" mentality. I always feel re-energized about my parenting after talking to her. I always come away re-committed to peaceful parenting. I've been so rough with the cubs lately. She helped me understand that I am working against myself with the "Law of Attraction" I told her that though I usually parent in the way she and I talk about, it is often with some nervousness wondering if it is going "to work", wondering if the girls will actually comply with my wishes. Instead of staying relaxed about the whole thing and going with the flow of our lives, I'm attracting more problems to me. Anyway, I could go on forever about this.

Suffice it to say, I am reaffirming my passion for being a mother. I love being a mother, but lately I was actually disliking it. I am also realistic enough to know that we go through these phases of hating and loving parenting and I need to go easy on myself. Since I"m with the cubs all day, I don't get the opportunity right now to do Seva in my community. But I realized that doing for my family IS my Seva. Wholeheartedly, serving my family is how I give back to my community. It is a great gift. By serving I don't mean I'm a servant to them, I just mean that taking care of my family and myself is a beautiful thing to be doing with my time right now. Instead of resenting it sometimes, welcoming it with open arms, could make all the difference in my own pleasure and satisifaction with my days.

And instead of reenforcing this notion of "Oh, I'm so tired and the cubs are so wild and none of my friends understand because they all have one child" I can try to use my yoga methods more and come to peace with the chaos of this phase in the cubs' development. It is really about accepting the situation and not feeling the need to change the situation.

Side notes: The cubs weren't napping again today and I wanted some me time with the book I'm reading "The Lovely Bones" I asked the girls to play together while I read and Ursula kept trying to climb on me. I finally got frustrated and stood up saying with my arms open "I need some space" then I walked into my bedroom and closed the door. All I heard from the cubs after that was "I need some space, I need some space" mimicking me. It was pretty funny and made me laugh in spite of myself. The other side-note is the cubs were fighting yesterday...I mean really fighting, tackling each other, trying to bite, head butting, pulling hair the works. I didn't stop them at first because I figured they were pretty evenly matched. I have never seen children that young go at each other like that. Once again I had to laugh in spite of the situation. Their expressions were quite comical.

So here we are sometimes broken, sometimes shining brighter than the Northern Star, but still this is perfect, as is. Grandly, messily, perfect.

Trying to keep Up

Together
Originally uploaded by Bear Woman

Ok, I'm not doing well at blogging. I really want to do this at least once a week, but....big sigh here...I get so carried away with life that I forget to record it. I suppose things could be worse. I know that being in the moment fully is more important than snapping a photo or writing a paragraph...but I really want to record it, damn it. So here we are, the cubs are almost two and a half now and the last time I wrote was at nineteen months. I have little notes all over the house hiding on scraps of paper and forgotten notebooks of our adventures but no one place to store it. So I'm making yet another commitment to this blogging thing. The community aspect of it isn't even what it is about, though I do lurk on others blogs. No for me, I just want to remind myself of the little things that mean so much to me.

Tonight the cubs are sleeping in their very own "Big Girl" bed for the very first time. The are usually each in their own crib and then come to the family bed in the middle of the night. We tried for nine months to start out in the family bed and then no one slept. It seems so many of my preconceived notions of parenthood have flown out the window. We finally had to give in and put them in seperate cribs, which meant that even though I was still waking every forty-five minutes to nurse a baby (the girls alternated night-time feedings one every hour pretty much on the hour) I could at least sleep for that forty-five minutes. Once we put them in cribs they started falling asleep so easily and early at night. It is the only easy thing about their sleep typically so I was nervous to take the cribs away. But, come on, they can crawl out of the cribs and it is really only a psychological boundary for them.

I found a queen-sized low-profile futon bed on craigslist so that if they roll out they have only a few inches to the floor...they flop around alot in their sleep, which is why sharing the family bed with them can sometimes be...um taxing...to say the least. They were really excited about the bed thing. Freya was crawling into the covers early and pretending to sleep. At one point she said to me "Get off the bed, Mommy. This is MY bed" Ursula also chastised me at least once for being on her bed. But then when it came to lights out they didn't want us to go. Freya insisted on a light being left on. They wanted me to sit with them. I lay down with them and, though I was about to fall asleep they were up wandering and chatting. I know it was so new to them and they were having a hard time closing their eyes, but I also know that having us in there is very distracting for them and if we just leave they fall asleep. So, with an unsure feeling, not knowing if I had ruined our sleep routine, I left the room. They fussed for about ten minutes and then went straight to sleep. They were so tired. Let me just say, that I know when they really need me in there and when they are being distracted by my presence. They behave differently. I never leave them when they are upset. But here they were just sort of goofing around with their droopy eyes.

I'll take some photos tomorrow of them on their new bed. So much going on today. We had a magnificent family day mostly playing outside in our refreshed and tree trimmed backyard. The cubs jumped in and out of their kiddie pool, sprayed Chris and me with the water hose, ran around naked and....get this...pee pee'd in their potties all day long...and Freya pooped in her potty. Wow, big steps. For the past several months they have NOT been digging the potty thing and mostly peeing on the floor. But today they were all about the potty. They would just go without telling me.

They are also both talking so much now. Full sentences of the funniest things come out of their mouths. The cubs and I were taking a bath the other day and I was really tired. I started rubbing my face and Freya leaned over, hugged me and said "Don't be sad, Mommy, don't be sad" It was so sweet. She also was playing a game with me when I was trying to read a magazine. She would take away the magazine I was reading and hand me a different magazine. I would say, "But I was reading that other magazine" She just shook her head and said "So sorry, Mommy, so sorry" and would continue to take away my magazine replacing it with a an unwanted magazine. I'm assuming that was her way of showing me what it felt like to have something you like taken away. Point taken, my sweets, point taken.

Ursula loved sorting coins. We keep a bowl of pocket change that has grown to quite a collection on the counter in the kitchen. She was crawling up ther and playing with the coins by pushing a chair over (my little climber) I'm trying to convince her to just ask me so that I can put the coins on the floor for her. When I see her playing with the coins she says "It's my game...I'm playing my game" I think it is cute that she calls it "her game"

Speaking of climbing. I've called 911 twice in the past week. Last Sunday we were hanging out running around the UT campus when the cubs started hanging on a chain between two posts. Ursa decided to use it as a swing and fell over backwards conking her head on the cement and knocking herself unconscious. I couldn't believe it. Chris picked her up and was trying to wake her but she was out. I thought I would freak out at a moment like that, but instead a calm spread over me. I felt absolutely nothing...no emotions...I think emotions would have clouded my judgement. I didn't even realize that I had noticed the police call boxes on campus, but obviously part of me had because without saying a word, I turned right around and went directly to one hitting the button and talking to 911. She was only out a couple of seconds and had no concusion. The paramedics checked her out and said she was fine. She was jumping up and down within fifteen minutes. But, I just wonder what we are in for. They are soooooo active and fearless. I love how confident they are in their bodies, but I also worry, especially with two of them. Then a couple of days ago, Ursa was on the floor and Freya picked up a dime and stuck it in her mouth. She was acting funny and Chris thought he felt a dime at the back of her throat. It wasn't coming out so we called 911. We were able to cancel that one, and Freya was fine...but ....really...two 911 calls in one week? That is too much. The day before Ursula fell off a bucket and sliced her finger open dripping blood everywhere and making me wonder if we needed stitches, then the day after that she fell out of Freya's crib while jumping and one minute later smacked her chin on the bar...prompting me to get rid of the cribs. Yikes....writing it like this, sounds crazy.

Ok, must go to bed. This is why I don't blog...so much comes oozing out that my posts are long. Maybe if I blog more I can keep the posts shorter. My sweet wild ones will be waking soon to join me in bed so I better brush my teeth. So much to be joyful about still. The energy that the tree-trimming and clean-up of the backyard opened up is opening in me too. I feel good things existing and dancing around every corner. Which is nice because last month I was in a depression. I'm glad I'm coming out of it. Sukha (good/free/beautiful space) that is my new favorite word, which is why I've added it to my title.

Terrible Journaler

Ugh, I really do intend to keep up with this blog, but alas there are always a million projects, which I'm thankful for. But I really want to keep a record of the growth of the girlcubs and my thoughts on it all. I know that already the past year and a half has flown by and my memory is already getting fuzzy.

Just so I don't forget here is a brief rundown on some of the things happening in the world of cubs these days.

* Holding Hands: Ursula and Freya are holding hands more and more, note to self get photo of this. They do it in the car, sitting in their seats bouncing their legs to the music and holding each other's hand. Oh my my my...when I look at them they both smile big toothy grins at me...I love it. They also started walking around holding hands last weekend when we went to the City Wide Garage Sale. There they were two nineteen month old toddlers holding hands happily roaming the aisles of vintage/retro/junk items in front of mom and dad. It made we want to scream it was so damn cute.




* They are loving on their daddy. These two are really into their daddy right now. They call out for him all the time and want to help him with his tasks. They helped him fill holes in the back yard the other day, pushing the wheelbarrow with him, stamping down the dirt. They also wrestle like crazy with him on the floor laughing and jumping on him with abandon.

* Ursula is getting her first back molars and it doesn't seem to be bothering her much.

* They are obsessed with reading books, yes, thank you, finally. I'm so happy to see them loving books now. They bring books to us constantly and do that little backwards wiggle walk feeling the air with their booties so that they can sit on our laps. How cute is it when toddlers do that? Some of their current favorites: Bear Snores On, Silly Sally, Goodnight Moon, Many Colored Days, Snowy Day.

Oh there are so many things, but I should go to bed. I will try at least once a week to keep up with this blog...really, I mean it.

It is fascinating to see the differences in children of the same age. We have been going to a class called Music Together that includes children around the girlcubs' age. The girlcubs dominate that class, roaming all around laughing and dancing, grabbing instruments and sitting on them. They climb all over Ms. Carey the leader of the class. They adore her, must be some sort of previous life stuff. They will sit in her arms the entire class checking in with me occasionally, but mostly wanting all her attention. I would be jealous if it weren't for the fact that I welcome the break. So the girls hang with Ms. Carey and their Daddy while Mommy just sings and dances hovering near them to tickle or poke. Anyway, my point was that the girlcubs are so vivacious compared to other children their age. Other kids seem so quiet and a bit timid next to my girls. Not that I find anything wrong with shy introspective children, in fact I like the subtley of them...It is just that my girls are definitely NOT subtle. And I LOVE it! We recently drove to to Taos, NM with the girlcubs for Amanda's wedding and everyone was floored by the expressiveness of the cubs. Rob's mom-in-law sighed and said "They just have so much joy in them" I think that statement pretty much sums it up. These girls have joy.

Oh, but do they also have woe. They just turned fifteen months and it has been so hot and they haven't been able to play outdoors much because it has been so hot and did I say it has been so hot? Argh! My Sweet Petites are arriving into full-blown tantrum territory. It usually happens after their afternoon nap (they get cranky just like their mommy). If I don't have milkies and snack ready to shove in their plump little mouths it can set them off...sometimes even if I am shoving snacks and milk into them they are still writhing. I try not to take it personally. I breathe alot and touch them gently or not at all depending on what seems to suit them and talk reassuringly telling them I know that they are tired and feeling emotional and need to let it out. I don't know if any of that helps them, but it does help me to not get caught up in the drama of it all. Though I do have plenty of moments of snapping.

So for the past two days the sky has threatened rain even giving us a few puny raindrops...teasing me with the sweet wet possibilities but nary a real shower. However, at least the when it does that the afternoons become bearable and the girlcubs can foray around the backyard. Yippee. They try to get as dirty as they can in the shortest amount of time. They slide and rock in my plastic rocking horse from childhood. They ransack the garden and try to move boulders. Freya tries to creep between the sheds towards the dog poop can and I have to call her back. Ursa loves to stand on top of the rocking horse from my childhood threatening to fall backwards busting her head on the hard dry earth...Today they sat in the flowerbed scooping up piles of dirt. Freya's hands were filthy and she stuck a finger in her mouth. I made the mistake of squishing up my face and saying "Nasty, don't stick your dirty fingers in your mouth, Freybie" Well that started them on their game. They both laughed at me with those laughs...Oh those delightful devilish laughs with that sparkle in their eyes and their four big teeth poking out...and Ursa scooped dirt into her hand and promptly shoved it into her mouth. "ooohhh, yucky, Baby...How does that dirt taste? Pretty Good?" Freybie licks her filth smeared hand "Grody, Baby. Nasty old fingers. Yum Yum?" They giggled somemore scooping and licking. Flecks of dirt all over their cheeks and lips and rolling across their tongues. Oh waht vagabonds my children are. I'm sure both their grandmothers would be appalled. I on the other hand love to see those toothy smiles and wrinkled up noses...so I'm willing to suffer a little dirt.

Freybie loves my belly. Oh I'm glad someone does. She often will pull to lift up my shirt and when she sees my belly she smiles pokes it and then lays her sweet soft cheek on it. I love to stroke her downy hair as she presses that cheek against my belly sticking her finger in my bellybutton. I love the smell of their hair and skin like sunshine unleashed mixed with garden flowers and a touch of sour milk. Hmmmm, I miss that smell just thinking about it right now.

Speaking of their hair. These girls have hair of the most beautiful color and eyes to match. Their hair is such a lovely mocha brown with just a hint of red and it is feathery soft and just starting to curl at the ends, though sometimes it lays really flat against their heads and looks all mod. I've even had people ask me if I have cut their hair that way because it looks so styled. Their eyes are so lovely and soulful. This time a deeper more esspresso brown. At Amanda's wedding her friend Alex said that the girls have a wonderful chaotic beauty and I thought that was a perfect term for it. At a recent birthday party the girls were running around with just their broomstick skirts on bellies poking out (which no one could resist btw) and our friend Jen said they looked like little gypsies. It is true. Though neither Chris nor myself look particularly ethnic the unusual blend of our Czech and Cajun heritages has combined to form two very unique creatures. They are stout and compact too. You can see the earthy energy mixed with a ball of fire inside of them. So many other kids I"ve seen their age seem whispier, longer and leaner...though the girlcubs aren't uber chubby or short. It is just they seem ...well...yes "compact" is the right word for it.

They are talking more too babbling sentences that I can't quite make out, but the sounds are resembling english a little more. And they are continuing to say words though none with regularity. And they are understanding more too. I can ask them to go get those blocks over there and bring them to me and they will walk over and get the blocks. Chris and I say "Ok, it is time for a bath" and they both walk immediately to the bathroom and sometimes start trying to climb in while still clothed.

Oh and the lovely kisses are coming more too, especially from Ursa. She is understanding the closed mouth kiss thing better. There is nothing nicer than baby kisses especially when the babies are your own. A hug and kiss from one of the girlcubs just about sends my brain into delerium...I love it so much. They also have a few new favorites. Freya loves to get the big broom out and tries to sweep with it. She sort of rubs it back and forth on the ground. They also love their new Mardi Gras beads from Amanda's wedding. They string them around their neck especially Ursa taking them on and off clicking the beads together. Getting mad when the beads get tangled and she can't get them over her head properly. If feel like I should do more structured play with them but they seem pretty content to wander around the house picking up one thing after another playing with it for awhile and moving on. I keep track of what they are doing commenting on it to them and occasionally redirecting an action or chipping in to stack blocks with them or stir imaginary soup, but other than that I let them do what they want. I guess I shouldn't worry too much. You can tell these girls are well loved just by looking at them. They don't appear to be babies who are lacking in the parental attention department so I guess I'll ease up on myself. I know they will need more structured play as they get older, but for now they would rather eat the crayons than color with them.

Games and Fetishes

Ahhh, Toddlerhood or Topplerhood as my friend Ted calls it. The girl cubs are now getting so long and thin. I look at them wistfully wondering how it all went so fast when I distinctly remember wishing that first year would hurry up and be over with. Now they run around the house as if they've been parading around like that forever. I grab at their still semi fat baby thighs, but I can see the change. Just their big bellies remain leading them around the house.

The have such amazing new expressions and ways of communicating now, sly smiles, sideways glances. Freya loves Foxy...LOVES her and wants to poke and prod her at any given moment. Poor Foxy is beside herself with worry. You can see it on her little pointy rat terrier face. Freya runs toward her hands out feeling for Foxy. Foxy retreats. Freya laughs more and runs faster following Foxy around the house. Foxy get skittish and turns to yap and snap at Frey a warning. This makes Frey laugh harder and run faster. It is a viscious cycle. Pablo on the other hand seems to have mellowed tot he girl cubs quite a bit. I think it started when the girls began eating solid food and dropping on the floor for the pups to snack on. The girls now just hold out their crackers and Os for the dogs and then cry when the dogs dare to eat them. To the pups' credit, however, they are both really gentle while taking food from babes. Back to Pablo. He now lets Frey and Ursa crawl all over him. They drape themselves over his body, scratch at his muzzle, grab at his paws and he just lies there. Sometimes he even has a big ol' Pablo grin on his face. I've even seen the girl cubs crawl on him to sit and he barely lifts an eyebrow. Sweet Pablo, you are a good dog. I knew you would take to the girls.

Ursa is still in her habit of taking items from Freya. She has always done that more than Frey. I try to let them figure it all out for themselves. They have started sort of hitting each other when mad, the only thing is, it just makes the other one laugh. Hmmm, wouldn't it be nice if that stayed the reaction? They are both in big fetish mode...these girls love their accessories. Hats....ooh yeah, they love to put stuff on their head. Ursa put her hat on her own head and parades around the house like the cheshire cat, belly sticking out before her. Sometimes she'll even put two hats on her head. The other day she did the cutest thing....She put on her hat as always and then walked around the corner into the dining room. I assumed she was just wandering proudly round the house as always. She returned just a few seconds later carrying the other hat. As she rounded the corner she held the hat out to me. I was on the couch holding Freya. I assumed Ursa wanted me to help her put this other hat on her head too, but instead I decided to put the hat on Frey's head thinking this would probably piss Ursa off. But, no, Ursa smiled the biggest smile and I knew immediately that she brought the hat specifically for Freya so that Sister could wear one too. Ahhh, my smart darlings.

They also LOVE shoes, they always have loved shoes, any kind of shoes, big, small, thong, boot doesn't matter they love it. Only now they try to wear all the shoes, big, small, thong, boot and get angry if the shoe won't stay on their foot. This drives me crazy as I try to show Freya how to hold the thong on by placing its divider between her toes. She always tries to just lift her foot marching milatary style instead of sliding the foot forward and so, of course, the thong flips right off. This makes her yell and hit the air with her hands. They also love to wrap things around their necks. I know, strangulation hazzard, but I let them as long as I'm in the room and it is loose and kind of draped over a shoulder too. And their newest accessory is the toddler sunglasses we bought them to protect their eyes from the TExas sun. They, of course, refuse to really wear them in the sun, but love to wander around the house like Ray Charles on 'shrooms. Speaking of the sun. Today during our morning walk with Daddy and the pups the girls would shreak whenever we passed out of the shade into direct sunlight. Well, I guess they should just wear those sunglasses outside, shouldn't they.

They are both saying more words now. To date Freya has said Daddy (of course), Mama, Up, Stinky, Duck, Ball (while holding a ball without me telling her it was a ball), All Done while signing the All Done sign, Stop and some variation on Pablo. Ursa isn't as verbal as Freya because she is busy developing larger motor skills. Ursa is a our climber supreme. She climbed before she could walk and actually took time off from practicing walking to learn to climb up her highchair. Ursa has said a few words too, though: Daddy (of course), Mama, Up, and Freya mimicking the same sing songy voice in which I was calling Freya. I'm excited about them learing words as my attempts at sign language with them are going slowly. I've been signing to them since they were about nine months. For awhile they would do the milkies sign when they wanted milk, but that stopped. They learned the "All Done" sign too and used that for awhile, then stopped. And then sort of refused to use them even though I know they know them. I guess they found screaming to be a more effective way of communicating. Actually the past couple weeks the signs have returned somewhat. Occasionally "milkies" most the time "All Done" and most recently Freya has been doing her rendition of the sign for "Water", which thankfully they are drinking more of these days. For awhile there they really only liked dairy or soy milk and I would rather reduce their intake of those.

So the girl cubs are spending more Daddy Time these days as I'm now teaching three yoga classes in the evenings. I know it is tiring for Chris, but I also think he enjoys his alone time with the girls. Besides the girls always seem a little better behaved when there is one parent around who is giving them undivided attention. Today he greeted me home from teaching with a smile on his face and that lovely Daddy glint in his eye. He and the girl cubs had played most of the time on the bed. They would pretend to try to escape the bed and he would grab them and toss them down on the mattress making them squeal with glee. They have a game they like to play with him. They sort of hide around a corner or act like they are going toward a room they arent' supposed to be in and when he goes to get them they run from him laughing maniacally. We have speakers in the living room that the girls mess with. We don't know what to do with the speakers or how to get the girls to leave them along. Mostly when the girls test us by starting to do something they aren't supposed to, like stick their hand in the dirty diaper pail, we try to ignore it so as not to make a game out of it. Well this evening, Freya was creeping around the woofer trying to get her Dad's attention. Chris pretended not to notice in hopes she would lose interest. Instead of losing interest she stood in front of it saying "Stop" and shaking her head "No" at herself. Ok, I'm sure she gets that from me, but I think it is pretty cute that she was telling herself to Stop. I wish I had seen that one. This is one of the reasons I can't imagine going to work full-time and sending the girls to daycare. I go away for a couple hours and I feel like I've missed the world.

And the girl cubs are my world. Sometimes I see them or even think abou them and I think my heart is going to break. It breaks open and I can feel it oozing out just getting bigger and bigger creating more space to love them with. Hmmm, speaking of girl cubs, there is one crying now. It is 1:00am. and they have started waking around this time to cry and then put themselves back to sleep. Sigh. Ahhh, sleep, that hasn't gotten any easier but that is a whole other bean burrito. I better get my tired Mommy butt to bed too if I'm going to get any ZZZZ's sans girls at my breast.

one fish, two fish

Some days are just about perfect. You wake up in the morning, perhaps not expecting much of anything. You may even feel a little cranky, but then you take a deep breath, rub the grit out of your eyes and jump into each moment. The thing is, it isn't even that everything goes rosy and smoothly the whole day. It is just that you allow yourself to enjoy it. Today was one of those days. It was an F day, full, flavorful and fun.

The girls swam for the first time today. I love firsts, and the beautiful thing with having children is you get so many of them. We met friends at Ramsey Park. We were late getting out because the girls decided to take a late nap. Then it took us about an hour to gather all our stuff and get out of the house, which is often the case with twins. Once we arrived at the pool at 11:30, we were told by the lifeguard that the pool was reserved for lap swimming until noon. Harumph, so here we are a little frustrated, does this guy realize what it takes to pack up two babes, rub their wiggling screaming bodies with sun lotion, fit them with diapers and swim diapers and get them to the pool in the first place. Now he is telling us that we and all the other families waiting around cannot swim for thirty minutes so that one, count him, one person can do laps in an empty pool? Ok, take a breath. Don't blame the lifeguard, he is just passing on information. "Hey, Honey there's the park want to swing the girls?" "Hey, this is fun too" the girls giggling as they whoosh back and forth. Ursa barely peeking out from under her sun hat, Freya grabbing for Chris's face. The thirty minutes passes so quickly and before the girls have tired of the park, the pool is open for business.

Ted, Lizzie and Hazel arrive just as we are donning our swimsuits and getting ready to take the girls in for their First Dip in a pool. We slowly step down the stairs leading to the shallow end, careful to move slowly so as not to scare the girls. Ursa in my arms, Freya in her Daddy's. As soon as their little legs touch the cool water, they jerk. Freya gets this look on her face of concern, as if to say "What the Hey?". We ease them in a little more. Ursa pulls her legs up and hangs on to me like she never will when we are walking around the house. A little more, they are both starting to make some sounds of concern now, little mmm mmmm mmmm mmm mmmm, sounds. Finally, we have their full little bodies in the water. The water is a tad cold, but starting to feel warmer. The girls at first clingy and unsure start to warm up to the experience too. At first I just swish Ursa around while she holds on to my torso, then as she starts to feel more comfortable I bring her further away from my body holding her under the arms. Chris does the same with Freya. Ok, there it is a smile, I see it as I trail Ursa from my outstretch arms. I make motorboat sounds and begin speeding her around the pool. This cracks her up. I place her belly down floating on the water supported underneath by my hands and she instintively begins to kick her legs and fling her arms. She is now loving it and so is Sister Love. Chris and I speed the girls past each other bringing them closer together in a swim by. They laugh at seeing each other emmersed in the blue coolness. Ursula tries putting her face down in the water and comes up sputtering but happy. These girls are naturals.

Chris and I switch babies and now I have Freya. She took a little longer to warm up to the pool than Ursa, but now she is moving like an old pro bouncing around in my arms as if to say, "Just let me go, Ma and I'll swim to the other side. I can do it. I can do it." I walk backwards trailing Freya close to me. We have a beautiful moment when we lock eyes and just move as one in the pool. They have such gorgeous brown eyes. And the trust that I can see she feels for me is overwhelming. She would do anything for me as long as I was by her side telling her it was ok. I vow never to betray that trust.

Ted, Lizzie and Hazel are in the pool too and we zoom the girl cubs in towards Hazel who is not so sure she is hip to this gig. Finally, we decide to take a break and all clamber out of the pool and back to our picnic table where we collapse on our towels on the grass. All three girls wander around, exchanging sippy cups, eating each others snacks (the other person's is always better) and climbing on all of us. It is evident immediatly that the girl cubs are a bit on the bossy side, thinking they should have everything. Hazel shares with them nicely. We all decide to meet later at our house to grill and finish the evening together.

Before heading home Chris, the girl cubs and I stop off at Amy's Icecream for lunch and then it is off to napland for the girl cubs. While they sleep Chris goes to get his hair cut and to shop for grillin' supplies. I pull out the pink picnic table that my folks gave the cubs for their first birthday, and which has been scattered in pieces around our house for weeks now. I try to work slowly taking time to read and reread the indecipherable instructions. I finally reach my pentacle of frustration when the instructions tell me to screw the leg braces into the ??? but to make sure that you do not screw the shallow end into it. Now, I'm looking at this cheap piece of wood wondering what shallow might mean to the "They" who wrote these instructions. I turn the piece around and around. I check it against the wood. It fits on both ends. Harumph. I decide to go with the end that looks shallower to me and hope for the best. Ok, now attach that whole thing to the legs. Ok, here I go....um, this isn't working...this should be flush with this piece...this IS THE WRONG END...Oh Sugar, I knew it. I chose the wrong shallow end. Um, guys...the end that you call the shallow end is in fact not the most shallow end. Ok, take a breath. Unscrew it . Rework it. I'm actually quite happy that I have managed to do all of this without yelling, without getting disheveled, and without cursing. Hey Hey, look at me. Now if I could only find a short Phillip's head screwdriver we would be in business. Ok, no short screwdriver so I make due with what I have and after about an hour of all this....Ta Dum, one pink child's picnic table replete with sun umbrella. Cute. I mean the picnic table is pink not the child...though my babies sometimes look pink and I call them the pinky twinkies. It is sort of like that song "One eyed, one horn flying purple people eater" I always thought it meant he ate purple people and I would imagine the lives of said aubergine prey, but I digress.

So everyone arrives for the grillin' and the cubs are in rare bossiness form, especially Ursa. She is after everything that Hazel picks up and as soon as she gets it, she throws it aside for the next thing Hazel has laid her hands on. Still, all three seem to be enjoying the company. At one point Lizzie had them all on the piano bench banging on the keys. I think Hazel felt a little crowded as she kept going back to the piano throughout the night looking for an opportunity to get it all to herself. She is an only child, but not for long as Lizzie is cozy with child.

We take them all into the backyard to play with beach balls which they do for a short period of time, but abandon that to more dangerous pursuits. At one point Freya is practically swinging from the lawn mower, um...honey, see that sticker? It says DANGER. Yep, I know you can't read yet, but let's move away from the metal thing with blades. Ursa is picking on the tomato plants, which she loves to attack and trying to eat rocks (her favorite snack). Hazel, much better at self-preservation, rides the Radio Flyer Roadster around while Ursa isn't noticing. We drag the new pink picnic table outdoors for them all to sit at and they love it, all sitting there like big little girls eating pasta and swinging their legs. Ok, this is cuteness incarnate. Seriously, I can't believe that the cubs have been earthside only a year and Hazel a year and a half. Wow.

After we all decide to move inside to partake of our grillin' feast I look to the picnic table to call Ursa. She has crawled on top of the table (she climbs on everything and could climb way before she could walk) She is perched on the tabletop on her knees. Her face is serious, her hands hang by her sides, the evening sunlight contours her face. She scans the backyard as if it say, "This is my domain. I am master." I'm thrilled once again to be watching two humans grow and develop. It takes my breath away.

We all sit down to the table, girl cubs in their highchairs, Hazel on Lizzie's lap. I must admit, I feel a little guilty as I watch the cubs gobble down all the big people I throw on their trays: chicken, steak, cherry tomatoes, green and red peppers, pineapple, bread, peaches, onions. Ted look at them and says, "Wow, they really do eat pretty much anything." Hazel, on the other hand is a very picky eater. Ted says that french fries make up about 80% of her diet. She just won't eat much of anything else. No meat, no vegetables, no fruit really. We saw her eat pasta, bread, and a couple of cranraisins. I feel really guilty when I think about how Lizzie shared Hazel's pasta with them because the grillin' was taking too long. I didn't even think about it at the time, but that was all the food Hazel would have and here was Lizzie giving it to my foodmonsters. Lizzie, is an angel. Well, I think. "At least Hazel naps, my girls strongly dislike napping. So I guess we're all even"

After, we've cleaned up, bayed the Glick Gang, Goodnight and popped our bathed and pooped cubs into bed. Chris and I wrap our arms around each other. "I had fun with you today, My Wife." Chris says to me. Ah, yes...me too. A perfect day. Then I think. Gee everyday with these cubs is a perfect day, whether I'm tearing my hair out, or having "Gogol Hour" where I dance madly with the girls to fun music...Everyday is perfect. I kiss Chris and take a breath.

My Day Now

Happy Mother's Day to me and Happy Birthday to my girl cubs. So, the girl cubs have turned a year old. Wow, that cliche about time flying...well it is true. I remember when we first brought them home and it was so so hard and I thought..."Ugh, a year...that is forever. How are we going to make it?" And it really seemed so far off and the time seemed to be moving so slowly. And now that we are on the other side of it, it seems to have whisked by as if yesterday I was snuggling these two tiny babes in my arms. Clumsily trying to nurse, fumbling to pick them both up at the same time, crying because I just didn't see how I was going to survive days by myself caring for two babies without help or a break.

I still wonder some days how I"m going to survie by myself caring for two babies, but somehow we make it through and they are big and walking and gorgeous and I now can pick them both up without any problems, just one scoop of the arms. And I can also nurse them both no problems and even wish some days that I hadn't gotten so good at it because they can be little titty monsters. I look back at this year and know I've never been through anything so difficult, so sublime.

Sometimes I look at those two crazy girls and am struck by how miraculous it is that I created them. My body created those two beings. They started out as an egg that I would previously suppress monthly and some sperm that usually pooped out because it had no destination and bing bam boom, two beautful glowing girls, full of energy and pizazz and mania. Full of life. It blows my mind. And I see photos of myself big and heavy pregnant with them and I'm so proud of me, that I carried two babies at once. Look, there...inside of me two babies. Where did I put them? Fully baked and ready to go, put your helmets on, buckle your seatbelt WE ARE OFF. And now they topple along, walking stiff and bow legged, their little elblows bent and hands up by their sides for balance, bellies poking out in front so determined to explore everything.

Oh, the joy they express when they are delighted with something. Oh the agony they express when they are mad and frustrated. And it changes in a second, one from another like a mad Le Coquian game. So complete in their emotional response. Their smiles oh their smiles. They have the sparkle and the shine those two. Yesterday we set up the sprinkler for them in the back yard for the first time. Martin and Liz were over visiting and we stripped the girl cubs of their clothes and set them loose in the water. They shreaked and laughed hobbling along as fast as they could through the water, "running" from the drops of water as they splashed across their backs. Their smiles were huge, beeming brighter than the sun. You couldn't even see their eyes they were smiling so much. Little naked babies waddling around, falling in the dirt and wet grass covered in debri, loving every second. It was one of the most joyous sights I"ve ever experienced. Freya would sneak up towards the sprinkler and laugh and look at me as the water splashed. She would be a little tentative and then waddle away as fast as she could only to return again drawn in by this new sensory experience. Ursula would jolt along with cheer dripping from her face loving the outdoor nakedness, taking time out to explore the bar-b-que grill nearby. When Chris picked them up to hold them over the sprinkler so as to clean their nethers from the dirt and grass they were mucking about in, they would both kick and goof and laugh full belly laughs. They thought it was all hilariously funny. After we finished they were head to toe in filth from the lawn so we plopped them into an early bath and aftwards all played on the piano. They love music and will bounce up and down pudgy knees bending in time to the music or swaying back and forth like Stevie Wonder in concert.

Hmmm, so lovely so tiring. Speaking of tiring. I am. So off to bed soon, but I am a very happy mommy. Even though the girls are sleeping poorly again. They are happy and healthy and that makes it all ok. I am stong and mighty, each day we are all learning more and more about each other, we will survive and not only survive, we will thrive.

Yippee, finally created this thing

My first post, I'll keep it short as it is time for bed and the girl cubs will be up before I know it ready to latch on the teet. But I couldn't resist blogging something. Chris is hot on the trail of a new and fancy digital camera because I am tired of our little point and shoot and the lack of control. We're photographers, let's actually get a digital that allows us to be photographers, please. We have about eight still and moving image cameras between the two of us and one lousy little digital. I'm ready for the big guns so that I can shoot those goofy gooses, known as my daughters. Speaking of which, they will be up before I know it ready to latch on the teet. Oh yeah.